Hearings TODAY. Liveblogging NOW!

I was mixed up, the confirmation hearing for Judge Sonia Sotomayor begins today. Reactions are coming.

1:45PM CST: Wow. Sen. Gillbrand (D-NY) is certainly filling Ted Kennedy's enormous flabby shoes, standing in as the institution's most rotund Senator. A white suit? Really? Does anyone fat in the world understand that white (or orange...see front row stage left) are not flattering? Excuse me...Sen. Gillibrand's great-grandmother must be pissed that Kirsten ripped drapes off the windows and wrapped herself up in them.

1:38PM CST: Sen. Al Franken (D-MN) just said that as the newest member of the institution, he has a lot to learn about being a Senator. Has he heard his colleagues speak so far? There's not much to learn. He's really overstating their qualifications. Here is what you need to be a Senator. 1) Be at least 30 years old, but at all times look 40 years older than you actually are. 2) Live in a state. 3) Be ok with and when necessary take part in adultery. 4) Be boring and if boring isn't possible because of personality, senility or both (see Robert Byrd (D-Death's Door)) ramble continuously, flamboyently, and nonsensically.

1:29PM CST: Did Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA) die before this hearing but recorded his opening statement on a recorder and slip it in his suit pocket, wheel his corpse out to the dais and press play?

11:25AM CST: Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) just gave his shitastic opening statement. As he explained all the terrors of liberals on the court and how biased Sotomayor is, he got snippy and copped a total emo conserva-tude. I was suprised to see Coburn at the hearing and he wasn't too busy helping cover up his fellow Republican colleagues' purely moral and good Christian adultery. He also kept talking about how important it was for the statue of lady justice to be blind...and I assume while he wants a blindfold over her eyes, he also wants a larger sash draped across her pornographically bare breasts.

11:15AM: Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Wealth and Privilege) is now giving his opening statement and is not having any of the Republican Party's bullshit criticisms of Sotomayor. He is explaining why Republican criticism of liberal judges as "activists" as opposed to the "constraint" oriented conservative judges. Also building on an umpire analogy reflecting on conservatives discovering conservative-supported rights, he just said "That's some balls......and strikes." He's my new favorite Senator.

11:05AM CST: Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) learned a new word today "ether". It's ironic because I think he indulged in it before the hearing. He, a former justice of the Texas Supreme Court (America's grim reaper), is also rambling like his friend from South Carolina (see below). Looking at him makes me want to climb in the bathtub and open a vein. Between his shiny head, and his George Bush mannerisms are brutally irritating. His nonsense talk about the stability of the Constitution is cute. Not as cute as his weak football analogy that he got a kick out of. How about another football analogy from his homestate. Sotomayor has spent more time in a courtroom than the Dallas Cowboys' defensive line---a truly enormous accomplishment.

10:25AM: Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) is now rambling through his opening statement where he is doing his best to restrain himself from shaking maracas at her. He is currently making no sense. Frankly, he's probably pissed off at God and his parents. The first for giving him estrogen-ridden facial features and the latter for topping off his effeminate sundae with a name like "Lindsay". He is from South Carolina, like he is in any position to judge anyone's qualification to hold public office.

10:15 CST: Jesus Obama is announcing his Surgeon General nominee today. I'm not sure why he is doing it on the same day as his Supreme Court nominee's confirmation hearing, but my guess is that it's someone controversial that he doesn't want much coverage of. At least it won't be douchebag extraordinaire Dr. Sanjay Gupta. The man whose feast for public attention is outweighed only by his own opinion of himself.

10:05AM CST: Did CNN's Candy Crowley get her stomach stapled? Will she change her name to Wheat Thin Crowley to reflect the change of lifestyle?

9:45AM CST: Crazy person outburst #1 during Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). It sounded like the person was yelling at the Senator for not voting for Justice Alito's nomination 4 years ago. One Republican criticism is Sotomayor is that she's racist because she supports equal protection. Alito's membership in an outwardly racist student group when he was in college, however is ok with Republicans.

9:30AM CST: Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) and previously failed federal judge nominee claims, a persons should ask himself if he were to go before a court what type of judge you would want? My answer: not a scumbag from Alabama who thinks black people deserve harsher penalties for white people for committing the same crime.

Also, I love how Judge Sotomayor pronounced her family's names in a super-ethnic way. Does she normally pronounce names that way? Maybe. Did she do it to piss off the racists sitting on the Committee? Definitely.