Here's an idea, just for funsies. Let's switch MLB baseball pariah Jim Joyce (of blown perfect game fame) with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. I think the results would have positive benefits all around. Here is how it would go down:
Joyce takes the helm at BP. His first order of business is watching a replay of the oil rig disaster (even tho it supposedly doesn't exist). He mans up and immediately flies to Louisiana to apologize to the families, the fishermen, and the pelicans. He offers to pay for the clean up and the other ecological, economic, and social effects of this disaster. Cut to Joyce in hipwaders with a bucket full of Dawn dish soap and an armful of wildlife, all while tearfully admitting his own failures. For dramatic effect, Haley Barbour should resign the office of Governor of Mississippi (for 201 other reasons) and Mississippians elect Detroit Tigers skipper Jim Leyland to replace him. Jim can stand on the beach berating him, kicking sand in his eyes, throwing his hat down on the beach, purging from his lips the collective anger of all Americans.
Cut to Tropicana Field in Tampa Bay. Newly-minted American League umpire Tony "Limey" Hayward, takes the field to call the game. B.J. Upton leads off for the Rays and crushes a homerun to dead center field. Hayward declares it a triple play and the inning ends. Rays manager, Joe Maddon, charges out of the dugout, like Jeffrey Dahmer's bus just stopped at the Donner Party Reunion. and explodes with rage. Hayward explains that his call was solid and in reality, it was Upton's fault for the triple play. Had he never come to bat, none of this would have happened. As Maddon's heart rate approaches 395, he explains no one was on base and a triple play would be impossible, not to mention the homerun. Hayward points out that actually 28 people were on base, it was the fault of all of them, and really, the ball was never really hit. When the manager asks for a replay, the Limey explains the cameras on field are not recording and there's no record of what happened. At this point the 1,200 fans attending the Rays game form a mob and everyone goes home with a little British souvenir from America's game---an ear here, a femur there.
And America lives happily ever after.
~Ginger
Friday, June 4
Thursday, June 3
Do the Charleston
What the hell is with South Carolina? Some states have political scandals involving corruption: Connecticut, Rhode Island, Kentucky. Some places have scandals over drugs and alcohol: South Dakota, Washington, DC. Some states have scandals over ______ (insert whatever can be used to describe Illinois).
Then there's the Palmetto State. A Bible belt state committed to such honorable acts as hating gays, women and blacks; raising the confederate flag above the American flag; and serving as the birthplace of the War of Northern Aggression. Apparently, the reward for brightening the bulb that makes the United States the beacon for the world seems to be a unique statewide water supply. Some states use flouride to treat their public water. Some use chlorine. South Carolina seems to use a combination of Viagra, white wine, and a liquefied version of Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On."
Let's run down the list Confederate Coital Controversies:
1) Segregationist, Racist, Bible Beater Strom Thurmond had a penchant for knocking up the "staff" (read: post emancipation house slaves).
2) Governor Mark Sanford's emo-laden tango between some silk sheets in Buenos Aires. Despite the hot wife at home, Sanford took a hike in Appalachia which was temporarily located inside an Argentine journalist. Then, after getting caught with his hand in the anatomical cookie jar, Sanford failed to get the "don't cry for me" memo from Mrs. Peron.
3) (Though not funny, but just ironic given that it's happening to people who often stand against equality) Allegations of the eeeeevil, scary, sinful homosexual lifestyle have been launched against Senator Lindsey Graham and Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer. It should be added, as alumni of University of South Carolina, both Graham and Bauer have are always rooting for Gamecocks.
4) Whistles aren't the only thing being blown in the Governors race this year. In the race to succeed Mark Sanford and have the opportunity to disinfect every inch of the executive mansion, Republican candidate Nikki Haley has been beating off......allegations of sex scandals for the past two weeks. First a Sanford staffer, now a lobbyist, if she can only hunt down and lift her skirt for a political consultant she can nail the tawdry trifecta of prurient politics.
~Ginger
Then there's the Palmetto State. A Bible belt state committed to such honorable acts as hating gays, women and blacks; raising the confederate flag above the American flag; and serving as the birthplace of the War of Northern Aggression. Apparently, the reward for brightening the bulb that makes the United States the beacon for the world seems to be a unique statewide water supply. Some states use flouride to treat their public water. Some use chlorine. South Carolina seems to use a combination of Viagra, white wine, and a liquefied version of Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On."
Let's run down the list Confederate Coital Controversies:
1) Segregationist, Racist, Bible Beater Strom Thurmond had a penchant for knocking up the "staff" (read: post emancipation house slaves).
2) Governor Mark Sanford's emo-laden tango between some silk sheets in Buenos Aires. Despite the hot wife at home, Sanford took a hike in Appalachia which was temporarily located inside an Argentine journalist. Then, after getting caught with his hand in the anatomical cookie jar, Sanford failed to get the "don't cry for me" memo from Mrs. Peron.
3) (Though not funny, but just ironic given that it's happening to people who often stand against equality) Allegations of the eeeeevil, scary, sinful homosexual lifestyle have been launched against Senator Lindsey Graham and Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer. It should be added, as alumni of University of South Carolina, both Graham and Bauer have are always rooting for Gamecocks.
4) Whistles aren't the only thing being blown in the Governors race this year. In the race to succeed Mark Sanford and have the opportunity to disinfect every inch of the executive mansion, Republican candidate Nikki Haley has been beating off......allegations of sex scandals for the past two weeks. First a Sanford staffer, now a lobbyist, if she can only hunt down and lift her skirt for a political consultant she can nail the tawdry trifecta of prurient politics.
~Ginger
Wednesday, June 2
Trouble Brewer-in' in Arizona
Today, it was revealed that Arizona Governor Jan "Give Me Your Papers, Señor" Brewer claimed her father died fighting the Nazis in WWII. Some chronological and factual details help us to understand this:
1) Gov. Brewer knew her father until his death when she was 11.
2) Gov. Brewer was born September 26, 1944.
3) The Armistice in Europe was signed when Gov. Brewer was about 7 months old.
4) Her father died of lung disease.
5) He developed lung disease while working as a civilian at an ammunition factory.
She probably also remembers the good ol' days when her father would pick her up from elementary school in his conestoga wagon and drive her to see President-elect Benjamin Harrison fight the evil Visigoths as they tried to invade the Incan Empire.
In related news, CT Attorney General Richard Blumenthal was wounded in Operation Desert Storm this week, and today Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) was KIA fighting in the Battle of Anteitam.
~Ginger
1) Gov. Brewer knew her father until his death when she was 11.
2) Gov. Brewer was born September 26, 1944.
3) The Armistice in Europe was signed when Gov. Brewer was about 7 months old.
4) Her father died of lung disease.
5) He developed lung disease while working as a civilian at an ammunition factory.
She probably also remembers the good ol' days when her father would pick her up from elementary school in his conestoga wagon and drive her to see President-elect Benjamin Harrison fight the evil Visigoths as they tried to invade the Incan Empire.
In related news, CT Attorney General Richard Blumenthal was wounded in Operation Desert Storm this week, and today Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) was KIA fighting in the Battle of Anteitam.
~Ginger
Anti-Incumbent or Anti-Turncoat
So far this year four sitting Congressmen or Senators have been defeated in a primary. While mass media is spending all their time claiming the wave against incumbents, this should come as no suprise that TV pundits are stupid and something else is happening so far. The reasons for defeating these incumbents--Sen. Bob Bennett (R-UT); Rep. Artur Davis (D-AL); Rep. Parker Griffith (R-AL); and Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA)--can be divided into three categories. 1) Bitch slapping party-switchers 2) Ignoring self-hating turncoats and 3) A party system dominated by theocratic idiots.
1) The Switch in Time that Saved No One.
Rep. Griffith and Sen. Specter decided in this Congress to switch parties and run under the banner of their opposition. While this would be a wonderful idea in the land of failed personal principles, mind-numbing ignorance, and unending self-love (though Alabama does finish high on the list for the qualities), the voters in Alabama and Pennsylvania weren't having any of it. Nothing says, "I'm a Republican" like spending 2008 running in an anti-Bush wave and then voting for Nancy Pelosi as Speaker. However, after gobbling up Democratic campaign donations like Jerry Nadler at an all you can eat buffet, Giffith left the party. Thankfully, the Republican party opted not to offer him the nomination. Griffith, whose political savvy is only outmatched by his resemblance to a creepy, child-less, binoculars carrying, children's playground observer version of Colonel Sanders, apparently showed us that no matter how pathetic a former Democrat is, the Republican Party of Alabama can find someone even more horrifying to go to Congress.
2) The Race to Finish Second
Rep. Artur Davis, another Alabama gem, was refused the Democratic nomination for governor. Now Artur has been a Member of Congress for a few terms and has some pretty solid name recognition. And all Artur Davis, a black Democratic politician, did was ignore the large black electorate in his state and fail to get the endorsement of the state's major civil rights organization. Oh ya, and despite representing a district with a large black population in one of the poorest, unhealthiest states in the US, he was the only member of the Congressional Black Caucus to vote against the Obama health care plan. Instead, white and more progressive Ag Commissioner Ron Sparks showed him the door---and rightly so. Rep. Davis, enjoy your years of early retirement and think long and hard that even in a state with an average IQ of 21, they can get that burning rise of partially digested Southern fare whenever a politician turns his back on everyone he should and shows the backbone as firm as mashed potatoes and pancake batter.
3) The Utah GOP Threw out Bob, Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb....
Finally, Sen. Bennett was defeated by a party caucus (not the full electorate) by a combination of perfect, pure, and morally superior LDS theocrats and Tea Party members whose statements and speeches make the rantings of a schizophrenic like the Son of Sam Killer seem as stable and calm as a bedtime story from Mother Teresa. They threw Bennett out of office, despite being a great representative of Utah's interests, because he wasn't "them" enough and actually used his mind to deal with the scaaaaaaary black president. This sits in stark contrast to Tea Partiers path to dealing with Obama: speak about constitutional issues you know nothing about and close your eyes and have a wet dream about the antebellum South and what you could do in a city sitting below the Mason-Dixon line.
So, there you have it. The four incumbents have lost because they either ignored the people who gave them their rise and turned their back on their principles. Or they unfortunately faced a group of party elites with Bund-Rally-style passion for a "cause."
~Ginger
1) The Switch in Time that Saved No One.
Rep. Griffith and Sen. Specter decided in this Congress to switch parties and run under the banner of their opposition. While this would be a wonderful idea in the land of failed personal principles, mind-numbing ignorance, and unending self-love (though Alabama does finish high on the list for the qualities), the voters in Alabama and Pennsylvania weren't having any of it. Nothing says, "I'm a Republican" like spending 2008 running in an anti-Bush wave and then voting for Nancy Pelosi as Speaker. However, after gobbling up Democratic campaign donations like Jerry Nadler at an all you can eat buffet, Giffith left the party. Thankfully, the Republican party opted not to offer him the nomination. Griffith, whose political savvy is only outmatched by his resemblance to a creepy, child-less, binoculars carrying, children's playground observer version of Colonel Sanders, apparently showed us that no matter how pathetic a former Democrat is, the Republican Party of Alabama can find someone even more horrifying to go to Congress.
2) The Race to Finish Second
Rep. Artur Davis, another Alabama gem, was refused the Democratic nomination for governor. Now Artur has been a Member of Congress for a few terms and has some pretty solid name recognition. And all Artur Davis, a black Democratic politician, did was ignore the large black electorate in his state and fail to get the endorsement of the state's major civil rights organization. Oh ya, and despite representing a district with a large black population in one of the poorest, unhealthiest states in the US, he was the only member of the Congressional Black Caucus to vote against the Obama health care plan. Instead, white and more progressive Ag Commissioner Ron Sparks showed him the door---and rightly so. Rep. Davis, enjoy your years of early retirement and think long and hard that even in a state with an average IQ of 21, they can get that burning rise of partially digested Southern fare whenever a politician turns his back on everyone he should and shows the backbone as firm as mashed potatoes and pancake batter.
3) The Utah GOP Threw out Bob, Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb....
Finally, Sen. Bennett was defeated by a party caucus (not the full electorate) by a combination of perfect, pure, and morally superior LDS theocrats and Tea Party members whose statements and speeches make the rantings of a schizophrenic like the Son of Sam Killer seem as stable and calm as a bedtime story from Mother Teresa. They threw Bennett out of office, despite being a great representative of Utah's interests, because he wasn't "them" enough and actually used his mind to deal with the scaaaaaaary black president. This sits in stark contrast to Tea Partiers path to dealing with Obama: speak about constitutional issues you know nothing about and close your eyes and have a wet dream about the antebellum South and what you could do in a city sitting below the Mason-Dixon line.
So, there you have it. The four incumbents have lost because they either ignored the people who gave them their rise and turned their back on their principles. Or they unfortunately faced a group of party elites with Bund-Rally-style passion for a "cause."
~Ginger
Tuesday, June 1
Just the Tipper
Al and Tipper Gore are ending their 40 year marriage. I can only imagine the look of sadness washing over Tipper's face like the rising ocean levels rushing across a pristine beach. It must look like the face a Polar Bear gets when it suddenly finds itself in a newly broken off ice frigate with no source of food, coasting aimlessly into the forever warming abyss.
While a juicy story may yet emerge, it appears the two drifted apart like two halves of a melted glacier. These two soon-to-be divorcees shall move on, spending separately their final days until they finally melt away into the ocean of eternity.
On a related note: breaker breaker, a cougar has escaped from the zoo. And even the most boring, dry guy could enliven her otherwise soporific existence. You don't even have to be a 10 to land her; she's been resigning herself to a professional runner up for almost two decades.
~Ginger
While a juicy story may yet emerge, it appears the two drifted apart like two halves of a melted glacier. These two soon-to-be divorcees shall move on, spending separately their final days until they finally melt away into the ocean of eternity.
On a related note: breaker breaker, a cougar has escaped from the zoo. And even the most boring, dry guy could enliven her otherwise soporific existence. You don't even have to be a 10 to land her; she's been resigning herself to a professional runner up for almost two decades.
~Ginger
Change with a Side of Texas Toast.
Well, my Spanish is a little rusty, but here goes nothing. Si, se puede culpar al presidente Clinton, tambien.
Thank God the Bush Administration is over. Remember those days. Whenever a scandal or a problem arose it was always the fault of pantsless Bill Clinton and his pants-wearing wife. Recession? Clinton's social programs. Katrina? Clinton's Army Corps of Engineers. September 11th? Clinton's intelligence failures. Bush's 1970s coke marathon? Clinton?? Laura Bush's killing of a high school classmate? Bill had to be part of that, too...like a precursor to Whitewater or Vince Foster or something...
Anyways, thank God we have a Democratic president now who owns up to his own problems, scandals, and failures. But wait, what's this? Oh, yes, Obama's first real personnel scandal, and it must be someone else's fault. Our President, an individual who is self-annointed to be our Savior above the fray of politics as usual, refuses to own up to his own screw up. Instead, he resorts to blaming everyone's favorite punching bag Bill Clinton.
Here is the set up: incumbent Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen "back and to the left" Specter reads the tea leaves, switches parties and runs for reelection. A real Democrat, Joe Sestak, challenges him in the primary. The party loses it a little bit. Along the way, Sestak claims the White House offered him a position in the Defense Department in exchange for his dropping out of the primary and letting a Republicrat (read: douche) coast to the general election. Sestak tells this to the press and the President has no idea what to do.
When most people are in a position where they are unsure how to act, they fall back on what is comfortable and familiar, and what they're good at. The great Obama did just that: he maneuvered politically in a manner that echoes the Bush Administration, blaming Bill Clinton.
Hey, maybe Clinton did have a little something to do with this, and I'll be eating my words. But you know what Obama, man the hell up. You're in the big leagues now, and it's time you took blame for SOMETHING.
~Ginger
Thank God the Bush Administration is over. Remember those days. Whenever a scandal or a problem arose it was always the fault of pantsless Bill Clinton and his pants-wearing wife. Recession? Clinton's social programs. Katrina? Clinton's Army Corps of Engineers. September 11th? Clinton's intelligence failures. Bush's 1970s coke marathon? Clinton?? Laura Bush's killing of a high school classmate? Bill had to be part of that, too...like a precursor to Whitewater or Vince Foster or something...
Anyways, thank God we have a Democratic president now who owns up to his own problems, scandals, and failures. But wait, what's this? Oh, yes, Obama's first real personnel scandal, and it must be someone else's fault. Our President, an individual who is self-annointed to be our Savior above the fray of politics as usual, refuses to own up to his own screw up. Instead, he resorts to blaming everyone's favorite punching bag Bill Clinton.
Here is the set up: incumbent Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen "back and to the left" Specter reads the tea leaves, switches parties and runs for reelection. A real Democrat, Joe Sestak, challenges him in the primary. The party loses it a little bit. Along the way, Sestak claims the White House offered him a position in the Defense Department in exchange for his dropping out of the primary and letting a Republicrat (read: douche) coast to the general election. Sestak tells this to the press and the President has no idea what to do.
When most people are in a position where they are unsure how to act, they fall back on what is comfortable and familiar, and what they're good at. The great Obama did just that: he maneuvered politically in a manner that echoes the Bush Administration, blaming Bill Clinton.
Hey, maybe Clinton did have a little something to do with this, and I'll be eating my words. But you know what Obama, man the hell up. You're in the big leagues now, and it's time you took blame for SOMETHING.
~Ginger
Monday, May 31
Israel: The Neighbors’ Son with the Meth Habit
It seems he's at it again. Everytime they pass him a little money and encourage him to go out and live his life, but do the right thing this time, he screws up. Whether it's slapping his newest Meth-ey girlfriend around, that embarassing public urination collar, announcing a new settlement policy while the Vice President of the United States is over for dinner or sinking an aid ship, he's always dragging that decent family through the mud. Of course that family always babied him. Maybe tough love will set him straight and finally show him not to be the town dick. Either way, he's always getting himself in trouble and everyone around him in a tizzy.
Anyways, as tough as mean old Aunt Hillary is, her occasional visits seem not to be doing the trick. It's about time she goes over there with a belt and beats the hell out of him. Hopefully that will teach him that he's not the center of the Earth and that his actions have consequences. Aunt Hillary can be kind of a bitch, but dealing with her is a lot easier than dealing with the neighbors. They've all kind of had enough of his bullshit over the years, and I heard they've got a couple of guns.
Israel, remember, it's embarrassing when your country's behavior mirrors that of a hateful, high school dropout whose idea of a good afternoon is a meth binge followed by a sloppy rendezvous on the swingset at the local elementary school with the night shift clerk from the local Exxon station during the fourth graders' recess.
~Ginger
Anyways, as tough as mean old Aunt Hillary is, her occasional visits seem not to be doing the trick. It's about time she goes over there with a belt and beats the hell out of him. Hopefully that will teach him that he's not the center of the Earth and that his actions have consequences. Aunt Hillary can be kind of a bitch, but dealing with her is a lot easier than dealing with the neighbors. They've all kind of had enough of his bullshit over the years, and I heard they've got a couple of guns.
Israel, remember, it's embarrassing when your country's behavior mirrors that of a hateful, high school dropout whose idea of a good afternoon is a meth binge followed by a sloppy rendezvous on the swingset at the local elementary school with the night shift clerk from the local Exxon station during the fourth graders' recess.
~Ginger
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