Hearings TODAY. Liveblogging NOW!

I was mixed up, the confirmation hearing for Judge Sonia Sotomayor begins today. Reactions are coming.

1:45PM CST: Wow. Sen. Gillbrand (D-NY) is certainly filling Ted Kennedy's enormous flabby shoes, standing in as the institution's most rotund Senator. A white suit? Really? Does anyone fat in the world understand that white (or orange...see front row stage left) are not flattering? Excuse me...Sen. Gillibrand's great-grandmother must be pissed that Kirsten ripped drapes off the windows and wrapped herself up in them.

1:38PM CST: Sen. Al Franken (D-MN) just said that as the newest member of the institution, he has a lot to learn about being a Senator. Has he heard his colleagues speak so far? There's not much to learn. He's really overstating their qualifications. Here is what you need to be a Senator. 1) Be at least 30 years old, but at all times look 40 years older than you actually are. 2) Live in a state. 3) Be ok with and when necessary take part in adultery. 4) Be boring and if boring isn't possible because of personality, senility or both (see Robert Byrd (D-Death's Door)) ramble continuously, flamboyently, and nonsensically.

1:29PM CST: Did Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA) die before this hearing but recorded his opening statement on a recorder and slip it in his suit pocket, wheel his corpse out to the dais and press play?

11:25AM CST: Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) just gave his shitastic opening statement. As he explained all the terrors of liberals on the court and how biased Sotomayor is, he got snippy and copped a total emo conserva-tude. I was suprised to see Coburn at the hearing and he wasn't too busy helping cover up his fellow Republican colleagues' purely moral and good Christian adultery. He also kept talking about how important it was for the statue of lady justice to be blind...and I assume while he wants a blindfold over her eyes, he also wants a larger sash draped across her pornographically bare breasts.

11:15AM: Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Wealth and Privilege) is now giving his opening statement and is not having any of the Republican Party's bullshit criticisms of Sotomayor. He is explaining why Republican criticism of liberal judges as "activists" as opposed to the "constraint" oriented conservative judges. Also building on an umpire analogy reflecting on conservatives discovering conservative-supported rights, he just said "That's some balls......and strikes." He's my new favorite Senator.

11:05AM CST: Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) learned a new word today "ether". It's ironic because I think he indulged in it before the hearing. He, a former justice of the Texas Supreme Court (America's grim reaper), is also rambling like his friend from South Carolina (see below). Looking at him makes me want to climb in the bathtub and open a vein. Between his shiny head, and his George Bush mannerisms are brutally irritating. His nonsense talk about the stability of the Constitution is cute. Not as cute as his weak football analogy that he got a kick out of. How about another football analogy from his homestate. Sotomayor has spent more time in a courtroom than the Dallas Cowboys' defensive line---a truly enormous accomplishment.

10:25AM: Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) is now rambling through his opening statement where he is doing his best to restrain himself from shaking maracas at her. He is currently making no sense. Frankly, he's probably pissed off at God and his parents. The first for giving him estrogen-ridden facial features and the latter for topping off his effeminate sundae with a name like "Lindsay". He is from South Carolina, like he is in any position to judge anyone's qualification to hold public office.

10:15 CST: Jesus Obama is announcing his Surgeon General nominee today. I'm not sure why he is doing it on the same day as his Supreme Court nominee's confirmation hearing, but my guess is that it's someone controversial that he doesn't want much coverage of. At least it won't be douchebag extraordinaire Dr. Sanjay Gupta. The man whose feast for public attention is outweighed only by his own opinion of himself.

10:05AM CST: Did CNN's Candy Crowley get her stomach stapled? Will she change her name to Wheat Thin Crowley to reflect the change of lifestyle?

9:45AM CST: Crazy person outburst #1 during Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). It sounded like the person was yelling at the Senator for not voting for Justice Alito's nomination 4 years ago. One Republican criticism is Sotomayor is that she's racist because she supports equal protection. Alito's membership in an outwardly racist student group when he was in college, however is ok with Republicans.

9:30AM CST: Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) and previously failed federal judge nominee claims, a persons should ask himself if he were to go before a court what type of judge you would want? My answer: not a scumbag from Alabama who thinks black people deserve harsher penalties for white people for committing the same crime.

Also, I love how Judge Sotomayor pronounced her family's names in a super-ethnic way. Does she normally pronounce names that way? Maybe. Did she do it to piss off the racists sitting on the Committee? Definitely.

Tuesday's Liveblog Event! Now Monday!

On Tuesday, the US Senate Judiciary Committee will be holding its first day of confirmation hearings for Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor. It should be fun as Democrats hold her up to be the most flawless jurist in the history of law. Meanwhile, Republicans will likely label her a racist, and extremist and a woman who will (insert veiled racial slur).

In honor of this day, Ginger and Slim will be liveblogging throughout the day. So, if you're looking for some information and hopefully a good laugh, visit our website throughout the day to get updates on how President Obama's first High Court nominee is faring. Tomorrow or Monday, Ginger will post a "What to Watch for Guide."

~Ginger and Slim

Between a C--k and a Hard Place

It was revealed today that Nevada Senator and the Mountain West's heterosexual playboy John Ensign's parents paid off the woman he was sleeping with. This sum ($96,000) is in addition to her pay doubling, as she served as his Senate Office's Executive-level prostate tickler, and while his mistress' barely pubescent son was given a consultant job at the National Republican Senatorial Committee.

Normally, the Democrats would have two routes. 1) Scream and yell and demand his resignation or 2) As Harball's Democratic "analyst" on this issue just spouted, Sit back and watch the Hindenberg fall. Neither is actually feasible for them. Like all good Americans, Democrats want to stand up and demand that a family values Republican adulterer be thrown in the pit of flames and banished from the political world. He should be cast from the legions of purity that march the streets of Washington to their House on the Hill. His political soul should be banished to the firey hell of political obscurity where (no Democrats because their misdeeds are always long forgotten) evil Republicans like Larry "foot tapper" Craig, David "will $20 cover it" Vitter, and Mark "Really?" Sanford all reside. It is Beelzebub's bordello from which the lure brings you through the door and the damnation never lets you out.

However, Democrats can't demand it because the alternative is horrifying and politically stupid. If Ensign were to resign, the Republican Governor of Nevada, Jim Gibbons, would be allowed to appoint his interim-successor. Meanwhile, Ensign and his vaginal fluid dousing rod will disappear from voters' memory. Democrats may not be able to use him as an effective punching bag. Worse however, is that a Nevada politician exists who is far worse than John Ensign---and it's Governor Gibbons. In his short stint in politics, Gibbons has been accused of bribery, kickbacks to mining companies, employing illegal workers, sexual assault, criminal interference, and other fun crimes. His wife left him and he is spinning wildly out of control, a la Illinois' Blago, just with substantially more disgusting charges. So, Democrats really need Ensign to keep on truckin' and, where possible, keep on fu--in'.

~Ginger

Christmas in July

It's Christmas in July for Ginger & Slim, and we got so much schadenfreude we're thinking of re-gifting some to our less sassy loved ones. Ensign. Sanford. Palin. FRANKEN COMES ALIVE.

What's next? Will Arnold go ballistic over the CA budget clusterfuck and murder a fourth of the Kennedy clan? Will one of Bobby Jindal's exorcisms go terribly awry in The Exorcism of Emily Rose 2? Where is Mitt Romney's illegal immigrant Hispanic love child? How many dead prostitutes are in Tim Pawlenty's basement?

But enough evil cackling for now. All of this Republican embarrassment has led pundits to their own severely embarrassing conclusion: Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour could be a 2012 contender. Barbour is truly a GOP powerhouse, and he makes no apologies for disenfranchising black voters, denying Medicaid to the poor, encouraging ten-year-olds to smoke, or eating five rare steaks a day for lunch. He is influential, he is likeable, and he is one shrewd dick. Sanford's emo love affair has resulted in Barbour becoming chair of the RGA a year early, and he's been drumming up money for the party in Iowa and New Hampshire recently. But he won't run.

A recent piss poor article talked about Barbour's "murky past," but nothing in the profile would preclude him from running, in part because he's no worse than any other Republican and in part because it's all common knowledge. Barbour won't run because he loves being insider power broker, and he's kind of old, and he's super fat, and he's ready to semi-retire to the farm, play party grandfather behind the scenes, and await the major coronary. 

Barbour doesn't make mistakes. He is well aware of his weaknesses, and he went ahead and took himself out of the race some time ago. Barbour would never pardon murderers-turned-mansion-gardeners if he was looking towards the big prize. By hyping Barbour's chances, pundits and reporters are simply showing their ignorance of American politics by actually considering that the GOP is so fucked that Haley's their last best chance. 

The 2012 GOP presidential nominee isn't even on the radar. So if the media could go ahead and stop trying to find him/her and get me some more scandal, that would be great. 

~Slim

Alaskan Cat Fight!!!

So, Republican Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski released a statement today in response to the Palin resignation stating, "I am deeply disappointed that the Governor has decided to abandon the State and her constituents before her term has concluded.” This would seem odd, a Republican criticizing another Republican so openly. The backstory explains why it is not.

Frank Murkowski was a US Senator from Alaska. He ran for Governor and won. Just before taking office, he resigned his Senate seat and as governor had the power to appoint his successor for a two year term. He appointed his daughter Lisa (see above). Meanwhile Governor Murkowski gets caught up in a huge scandal and the lowly mayor of Wasilla runs in a Republican primary against him--defeating him. This mayor, Sarah Palin, spent the primary campaign bashing the hell out of Governor Murkowski for his corruption---and won!

Needless to say, there is no love lost between Sarah Palin and Lisa Murkowski. But the reality of the situation is this: two totally underqualified individuals having a public political exchange of words. The Senator here tried to have the last laugh. Maybe Senator Murkowski is trying to distance herself from whatever shitshow is about to erupt surrounding Palin, but I think there's more (or less, depending on your perspective) to it.

Lisa Murkowski and Sarah Palin are like two girls everyone went to high school with. Lisa Murkowski was the homely girl who was only popular because her father was rich and bought her nice things, and while expensive makeup can only fix some things it can at least help a face that is some mix of otter and sewer rat (see Murkowski picture). What the makeup hides physically, family wealth and connections hide mentally and Lisa (or whoever it was in your high school) did better than the life she was qualified for: the return counter clerk at Payless.

Sarah Palin is that girl from your high school who came from almost nothing and actually might have worked the return counter at Payless. However, she had good looks and that got her by. Her intellect couldn't impress a squeeze bottle of mustard, but a willingness to blow strangers in order to get ahead did her well. If the money isn't there to fulfill all your dreams, can a talented tongue offer you success? You betcha!

~Ginger

One for the Birds

So, Alaska Governor, 2008 GOP Vice Presidential nominee, and barely literate Sarah Palin announced today she is stepping down from her job as her state's chief executive. While I'm sure Slim and I will have much to say about this over the coming days, I want to blog quick about my first impression.

Despite a silly, contradictory, rambling, and voice-cracking announcement by Alaska's favorite former sportscaster, some people in the GOP will find this speech "selfless" or "magnanimous" or whatever they can spin as they pray to Jesus that her screams of good faith are louder than Mark Sanford's latest letter to Penthouse. However, not everyone bought this load of crap. Chief among them: birds. If you listen to her speech, as she describes her positive record on ethics and her decision is for the good of Alaska, there is a pelican (or whatever the hell birds they have up there that haven't been asphyxiated in an inlet of Saudi sweet crude) making a laughing sound. Maybe Palin thought her record had killed enough wildlife that an outdoor press conference was safe, but it wasn't the case. Nothing says I'm screwed like a flock of birds off camera not having any of it.

Like I said, more to come; Happy 4th!

~Ginger

Chairman Waxman Being Emo

Henry Waxman, chairman of the powerful House Committee on Energy and Commerce, was hospitalized today because he "felt unwell," according to his spokesperson. Who feels "unwell" in 2009? Did they load him into a conestoga wagon and cart him to the nearest apothecary for some smelling salts and ether?

Slim likes to compare such happenings to Former Secretary of Homeland Security and Federal Judge Michael Mukasey's "old-timey whoopsie" and "case of the vapors" before an audience of lawyers last year.

Anyways, maybe Waxman is being hospitalized for exhaustion (or a touch of the vertigo?) after ramming the Climate Bill through the House with as much finesse as a serial rapist in a convent. Or maybe it was an assassination attempt. Likeliest suspects:

1) Any Democratic House Member who isn't a barnicle on the underside of Nancy Pelosi.
2) Any Republican who loves smog, hummers, and corporations and hates taxes, trees, and hippies---so, any Republican.
3) People who hate people who have noses that belong on a farm.
4) John Dingell, the longest serving member of the House of Represenatives. He began his House tenure during Eisenhower's first term(literally!) and was next in line for the chairmanship of Energy and Commerce. However, he refused to feed from the trough of Pelosi sycohphants and got booted. While I'm not saying the move was unjust, given that Dingell's Detroit ties make his chairmanship of the Energy committee troublesome, I think he's a suspect. However, being born in 1926 means he's prone to the vapors and feeling unwell, too. But in his closet, behind his musket, there might be an old sarsaparilla bottle filled with some poison that hasn't been seen in use in 600 years, and it happened to find its way into Waxman's morning coffee.

~Ginger