This week, the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) held its annual summit. This meeting is a unique social experience. It combines people who spew society-wide hatred, blind support for their leaders (though this is not unique to conservatives), and an existence in an alternative universe.
In that universe, the Republican Party holds a majority in Congress and the Presidency, God has returned to Earth to amend the Constitution to outlaw abortion and record keeping of gun ownership. Everyone is white and Protestant and their infidelities with other women and children are acceptable. In this Republican fantasyland, only 3% of the population can afford health insurance, which is no worry because major illness was eliminated with gays and minorities. Most importantly, in this world conservatives MATTER!
This convention was a clearinghouse for old, white men to discuss political ideas that were relevant 30 years ago. Sad, pathetic have-beens were riled to action by an unlicensed plumber, an overweight pill addict, and an indicted former exterminator. This menagerie of misguidance drew as much public interest as a New Radicals Reunion Tour--the only difference is that the Reunion Tour would attract members of the 18-25 year old demographic.
Despite all this, I'm looking forward to next year's convention where I hear they will debate whether the world is flat and hold a roundtable on the best way to transform quartz into gold. If interested, admission will be $17,500 and is only open to heterosexual males with the correct ridges in their skulls.
-Ginger
Saturday, February 28
Friday, February 27
Hope, Change, Iraq
Phew….I’m glad the war is over. I’m also glad that bitch Hillary Clinton didn’t get elected President or we would have had a ton of troops in Iraq for a long, long time. And thankfully, this new policy is strongly endorsed by Congressional Leaders like Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi and with friendly members of the media like Rachel Maddow…Oh wait...
In all seriousness though, the President’s plan is seeing some ringing endorsements like that of John McCain. That’s right McCain voters, you thought losing the campaign was going to mean a terrible policy on the war, luckily for you that didn’t pan out. Also, for the families of the 50,000 troops who will have to stay in Iraq, rest assured that your sons and daughters get a new label "non-combat troops." YAY! Everyone wins....
-Ginger
In all seriousness though, the President’s plan is seeing some ringing endorsements like that of John McCain. That’s right McCain voters, you thought losing the campaign was going to mean a terrible policy on the war, luckily for you that didn’t pan out. Also, for the families of the 50,000 troops who will have to stay in Iraq, rest assured that your sons and daughters get a new label "non-combat troops." YAY! Everyone wins....
-Ginger
Thursday, February 26
Byrdened by Power
United States Senator Robert Byrd criticized the Obama administration this week for a supposed policy power grab. Byrd, who was denied service in the Civil War because of his advanced age, argued that Obama’s move to institute policy czars amounted to the transfer of power from Congress to the Executive. (My guess is that Byrd is against czars based on personal experience, as his own life began during the Russian Revolution [literally].)
Byrd’s irritation with the President is really an argument over institutional power. The President wants to streamline the process (as most presidents euphemistically do). In addition, Obama has likely considered the melting pot of horrors that is the membership of the United States Senate and would rather trust the creation of important policy to his yet unfinished cabinet rather than to the yet unfinished Senate.
Why you may ask?
Here is a run down of some of the Senate’s superstar committee chairman and some of their finest accomplishments:
Robert Byrd (formerly chairman of Appropriations): He lost his chairmanship because the Majority Leader wanted it filled by someone younger, and chose the spry and chipper, 85 year old Daniel Inouye (HI). Byrd’s highlights include KKK membership and bilking the American taxpayer so a shithole like West Virginia can have an infrastructure that rivals the Jetsons.
Joseph Lieberman (CT-Homeland Security): Droopy Dog with an Iraq War cheerleader’s uniform on, Lieberman labeled Obama a socialist, while changing the battery out on John McCain’s campaign trail Power Scooter.
Carl Levin (MI-Armed Services): A true leader and huge supporter of his home town auto industry. If policy from the Senate will be anywhere near as successful as the productive capacity of General Motors, start hoarding your canned goods and oil lamps now.
Tom Harkin (IA-Agriculture): Tom has ensured that multi-billion dollar corn conglomerates owned by General Mills and Kellogg Corp. get billions of dollars in farm subsidies every year, just to ensure that they can cut it in the struggling agro-grain sector of the American economy. Remember: agriculture conglomerates need all of our help to get by, but if you’re a queer don’t you dare think of getting married…Work on a farm for six months it’ll put some hair on your perfectly waxed chest.
Mary Landrieu (LA-Small Business): The GOP’s second favorite Democrat. Landrieu is like an ugly girl at a frat party. She’s typically wearing clothes from 10 or 15 years ago and if you wave a little money in front of her or if Mitch McConnell whispers “I Love You” into her ear, she will do anything for you…ANYTHING. Her vote-casting sluttiness would make a Mardi Gras prostitute in the early stages of meth withdrawal blush.
-Ginger
Byrd’s irritation with the President is really an argument over institutional power. The President wants to streamline the process (as most presidents euphemistically do). In addition, Obama has likely considered the melting pot of horrors that is the membership of the United States Senate and would rather trust the creation of important policy to his yet unfinished cabinet rather than to the yet unfinished Senate.
Why you may ask?
Here is a run down of some of the Senate’s superstar committee chairman and some of their finest accomplishments:
Robert Byrd (formerly chairman of Appropriations): He lost his chairmanship because the Majority Leader wanted it filled by someone younger, and chose the spry and chipper, 85 year old Daniel Inouye (HI). Byrd’s highlights include KKK membership and bilking the American taxpayer so a shithole like West Virginia can have an infrastructure that rivals the Jetsons.
Joseph Lieberman (CT-Homeland Security): Droopy Dog with an Iraq War cheerleader’s uniform on, Lieberman labeled Obama a socialist, while changing the battery out on John McCain’s campaign trail Power Scooter.
Carl Levin (MI-Armed Services): A true leader and huge supporter of his home town auto industry. If policy from the Senate will be anywhere near as successful as the productive capacity of General Motors, start hoarding your canned goods and oil lamps now.
Tom Harkin (IA-Agriculture): Tom has ensured that multi-billion dollar corn conglomerates owned by General Mills and Kellogg Corp. get billions of dollars in farm subsidies every year, just to ensure that they can cut it in the struggling agro-grain sector of the American economy. Remember: agriculture conglomerates need all of our help to get by, but if you’re a queer don’t you dare think of getting married…Work on a farm for six months it’ll put some hair on your perfectly waxed chest.
Mary Landrieu (LA-Small Business): The GOP’s second favorite Democrat. Landrieu is like an ugly girl at a frat party. She’s typically wearing clothes from 10 or 15 years ago and if you wave a little money in front of her or if Mitch McConnell whispers “I Love You” into her ear, she will do anything for you…ANYTHING. Her vote-casting sluttiness would make a Mardi Gras prostitute in the early stages of meth withdrawal blush.
-Ginger
Wednesday, February 25
Rachel and Nancy: The "Who's More Liberal?" Faceoff
Last night, I was not impressed by Miz Speaker's cheerleading clapping, creepy fresh Botox job, or outfit (though it was nice of her to recycle an old uniform of Chairman Mao's that got stained when subjected to a warm wash cycle with a yellow towel).
But tonight, I was impressed with her interview with Rachel Maddow. Rachel employed her usual interview tactic: "I love you because you're liberal, but I'm uber-liberal, so here are my tough and sassy questions." Unfortunately for Rach, it wasn't the Laverne & Shirley "we're gonna make it after all" lovefest she had probably wanted.
Nancy - who thanks to Botox has an identical number of wrinkles as her much younger interviewer - wasn't having any of Rachel's blend of idol worship and progressive sass. She made it crystal clear that she wants to crucify Bush administration officials for abuse of prisoners WAY MORE than Rach does, that she has been fighting for universal health care before Rach even knew she loved vagina, and that any recent House Republican media grandstanding cannot compensate for the institutional obscurity she has imposed upon them.
Nancy's a big tease for Obama - trying to crawl up his ass during the address to Congress one night only to allude that his rumored Iraq plan is unacceptable the next. I loathe and begrudgingly admire it at the same time. Though she's often ineffective in practice and many times outmaneuvered by dastardly Republicans, she scores points for consistently sticking with the big left ideas - holding Bushies accountable, REALLY ending the war, and generally making America a little less shitty for the lowest common denominator in our society.
Of course, her faults are easier to forgive with Harry Reid as Majority Leader, but more on that later.
~Slim
But tonight, I was impressed with her interview with Rachel Maddow. Rachel employed her usual interview tactic: "I love you because you're liberal, but I'm uber-liberal, so here are my tough and sassy questions." Unfortunately for Rach, it wasn't the Laverne & Shirley "we're gonna make it after all" lovefest she had probably wanted.
Nancy - who thanks to Botox has an identical number of wrinkles as her much younger interviewer - wasn't having any of Rachel's blend of idol worship and progressive sass. She made it crystal clear that she wants to crucify Bush administration officials for abuse of prisoners WAY MORE than Rach does, that she has been fighting for universal health care before Rach even knew she loved vagina, and that any recent House Republican media grandstanding cannot compensate for the institutional obscurity she has imposed upon them.
Nancy's a big tease for Obama - trying to crawl up his ass during the address to Congress one night only to allude that his rumored Iraq plan is unacceptable the next. I loathe and begrudgingly admire it at the same time. Though she's often ineffective in practice and many times outmaneuvered by dastardly Republicans, she scores points for consistently sticking with the big left ideas - holding Bushies accountable, REALLY ending the war, and generally making America a little less shitty for the lowest common denominator in our society.
Of course, her faults are easier to forgive with Harry Reid as Majority Leader, but more on that later.
~Slim
Catholic Indoctrination: The Gift that Keeps on Giving
Nothing starts off Lent like some good old fashioned self-reflection. For the Protestants, et al, Lent is a 40-day Catholic season that runs from Ash Wednesday to Holy Saturday and represents the guiltiest time of the year. As if the Church weren’t trying during other Holy seasons or even during Ordinary Time, you’re supposed to abstain from all the fun things in life: sex, liquefied merriment, etc.
Beyond this part, and as is true of most of the faith, there are also a ton more regulations. Chief among them, you need to give up an indulgence for the Lenten season. For example, I can’t give up domestic violence, driving a BMW, or running the Commerce Department because I don’t normally do those things (though if I wait long enough, I think I may get a shot at Commerce after enough withdrawals). So, I would have to give up Subway, Fiber One Bars, or Starbucks (the things that keep me going).
Additionally, (insert black and white photo of nun savagely beating heretics with a yardstick before a chalkboard and portrait of current President Warren Harding) Catholics cannot eat meat on Ash Wednesday nor on any Friday during Lent. What I bring you this mini-Catechism lesson for is to explicate the power of the Catholic Church.
I haven’t been to Church for anything other than a funeral since the last Pope died, and before that it was Good Friday a half a decade ago. Despite being a lax Catholic and sinning all the way to the bank, whenever Lent comes around, I have a hard time not following these rules. I often wonder why. True, I am a fan of pomp and circumstance, but if that were the case my ass would be in a pew every day of the week, Lent or not. I’m also not one of the lax Catholics who tries to show his colors when the time is right like grabbing a candle for Midnight Mass at Christmas or displaying the ultimate “I’m Catholic and you’re not” advertisement—the ashen forehead on this holiday.
Instead, I say it’s left over, authoritarian indoctrination that once a year rears its head and ensures that I feel guilty enough about enough of things that I put down the burger and pick up pasta on those few days before Easter. (I should add, I feel that my hatred of fish makes Lent a period of martyrdom for me every year, as well.) So, I raise a glass (so long as it is not wine, beer, or beef bouillon and toast the most effective top-down, rule-bound organization in the history of the World. Sure, Benedict, I’m not going to Church much anymore, but damn it darn it, you must be doing something right.
-Ginger
Beyond this part, and as is true of most of the faith, there are also a ton more regulations. Chief among them, you need to give up an indulgence for the Lenten season. For example, I can’t give up domestic violence, driving a BMW, or running the Commerce Department because I don’t normally do those things (though if I wait long enough, I think I may get a shot at Commerce after enough withdrawals). So, I would have to give up Subway, Fiber One Bars, or Starbucks (the things that keep me going).
Additionally, (insert black and white photo of nun savagely beating heretics with a yardstick before a chalkboard and portrait of current President Warren Harding) Catholics cannot eat meat on Ash Wednesday nor on any Friday during Lent. What I bring you this mini-Catechism lesson for is to explicate the power of the Catholic Church.
I haven’t been to Church for anything other than a funeral since the last Pope died, and before that it was Good Friday a half a decade ago. Despite being a lax Catholic and sinning all the way to the bank, whenever Lent comes around, I have a hard time not following these rules. I often wonder why. True, I am a fan of pomp and circumstance, but if that were the case my ass would be in a pew every day of the week, Lent or not. I’m also not one of the lax Catholics who tries to show his colors when the time is right like grabbing a candle for Midnight Mass at Christmas or displaying the ultimate “I’m Catholic and you’re not” advertisement—the ashen forehead on this holiday.
Instead, I say it’s left over, authoritarian indoctrination that once a year rears its head and ensures that I feel guilty enough about enough of things that I put down the burger and pick up pasta on those few days before Easter. (I should add, I feel that my hatred of fish makes Lent a period of martyrdom for me every year, as well.) So, I raise a glass (so long as it is not wine, beer, or beef bouillon and toast the most effective top-down, rule-bound organization in the history of the World. Sure, Benedict, I’m not going to Church much anymore, but damn it darn it, you must be doing something right.
-Ginger
Tuesday, February 24
Bobby Jindal, Voice from the Grave
While news commentators spoke of the certain irony in the Governor of Louisiana invoking the evils of government spending, of corruption, and the massive failures during Katrina to rouse people to the Republican cause, I need to address a few more pressing and ridiculous issues that came to light during the Response from the Plantation House.
If you could look beyond the cotton crop, over the slave quarters, around the "Colored" restrooms, and past the ol' hangin' tree, you would see the Louisiana exeuctive mansion. I expected to find inside the aforementioned Governor Bobby Jindal (R-SelfPromotion). Instead, I found something else quite remarkable. Apparently, Mr. Rogers' corpse rose up and raped a ventriloquists' doll to produce a love child with a voice that combined condescension, creepiness, and cartoonesque cadence.
As if you could possibly take seriously a man who sounded like the narrator from a Hans Christian Andersen story filling in for the 1930s newsreel voiceover who came down with the consumption, he had something of "substance" to say. He spoke from the heart about what all Louisianans believe was the great "scourge." A functioning judicial system? Nope. Prohibition? Nope. Oil Revenue Taxes? Nope. Slavery? Yes. Wait... Yessirrey, he labeled slavery a scourge, immediately making his reelection bid more competitive.
Unfortunately, all of the state's life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Gipper washed away when Katrina tried to punish the gays in New Orleans. So, Governor Jindal had to rely on a more veiled reference to Reagan, invoking the "Soviet menace." Seriously? Soviets were the only threat you could think of? Is this 1961? I guess when you're complaining about taxes being too high and government spending being out of control, the most reasoned approach is to reference the Cold War, a time when budgets were balanced and government programs were logical, efficient, productive and never wasteful. Oh wait....
Apparently, you need no training in history (high school or college) to qualify for a Rhodes Scholarship, a seat in the U.S. Congress, and the occupancy of Louisiana's governor's mansion. But then again, history books are still useful. Something has to kindle the fire under the (not so) ol' hangin' tree....
-Ginger
If you could look beyond the cotton crop, over the slave quarters, around the "Colored" restrooms, and past the ol' hangin' tree, you would see the Louisiana exeuctive mansion. I expected to find inside the aforementioned Governor Bobby Jindal (R-SelfPromotion). Instead, I found something else quite remarkable. Apparently, Mr. Rogers' corpse rose up and raped a ventriloquists' doll to produce a love child with a voice that combined condescension, creepiness, and cartoonesque cadence.
As if you could possibly take seriously a man who sounded like the narrator from a Hans Christian Andersen story filling in for the 1930s newsreel voiceover who came down with the consumption, he had something of "substance" to say. He spoke from the heart about what all Louisianans believe was the great "scourge." A functioning judicial system? Nope. Prohibition? Nope. Oil Revenue Taxes? Nope. Slavery? Yes. Wait... Yessirrey, he labeled slavery a scourge, immediately making his reelection bid more competitive.
Unfortunately, all of the state's life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Gipper washed away when Katrina tried to punish the gays in New Orleans. So, Governor Jindal had to rely on a more veiled reference to Reagan, invoking the "Soviet menace." Seriously? Soviets were the only threat you could think of? Is this 1961? I guess when you're complaining about taxes being too high and government spending being out of control, the most reasoned approach is to reference the Cold War, a time when budgets were balanced and government programs were logical, efficient, productive and never wasteful. Oh wait....
Apparently, you need no training in history (high school or college) to qualify for a Rhodes Scholarship, a seat in the U.S. Congress, and the occupancy of Louisiana's governor's mansion. But then again, history books are still useful. Something has to kindle the fire under the (not so) ol' hangin' tree....
-Ginger
Obama to Address Congress
Though not an official State of the Union Address, President Barack Obama will offer a "Budget Address" to a joint session of Congress this evening (9PM EST). These addresses tend be a bit belabored, but you should expect some good quotes. President Obama's speechwriter, Jon Favreau, is quite talented, and this is the biggest speech of his career, thus far. I'm sure he'll make it a doozy. Below is a list of 5 points of interest to watch for.
1) How many members of the United States Supreme Court attend? Does Ruth Bader Ginsburg attend having just returned to the Court after cancer surgery? Does Jim Bunning throw a breaking ball at her head in a weak attempt to fulfill yesterday's prophecy?
2) Does Ted Kennedy return to Washington, DC, for the speech, given his recent health troubles? Does Bunning try to take him out as well for posterity?
3) Watch House Republicans sneer at Obama's recommendations for budget increases for specific programs. If your hometown Republican Member of Congress or Senator seems a bit portlier than normal, resist sending them the South Beach Diet cookbook. Their jackets are simply lined with stimulus money, and objects in denial are smaller than they appear. On a related note, place wagers with your friends as to who will win the spray tan-off: House Minority Leader, John Boehner, or Minority Whip, Eric Cantor.
4) Notice how often the new President pronounces words like "nuclear" properly, then quickly straighten all the pictures on your walls, as a nation's sigh of relief registers on the Richter scale.
5) For the first time in history, we will see an African-American, a woman, and two Catholics all on the podium during an address to Congress. Watch to see if Vice President Joe Biden does something ridiculous like throw a bottle of Jameson at the Joint Chiefs and take part of the stimulus money to "make it rain" for Nancy Pelosi.
Anyways, enjoy the speech; I'm sure we'll have much to say tomorrow.
-Ginger
1) How many members of the United States Supreme Court attend? Does Ruth Bader Ginsburg attend having just returned to the Court after cancer surgery? Does Jim Bunning throw a breaking ball at her head in a weak attempt to fulfill yesterday's prophecy?
2) Does Ted Kennedy return to Washington, DC, for the speech, given his recent health troubles? Does Bunning try to take him out as well for posterity?
3) Watch House Republicans sneer at Obama's recommendations for budget increases for specific programs. If your hometown Republican Member of Congress or Senator seems a bit portlier than normal, resist sending them the South Beach Diet cookbook. Their jackets are simply lined with stimulus money, and objects in denial are smaller than they appear. On a related note, place wagers with your friends as to who will win the spray tan-off: House Minority Leader, John Boehner, or Minority Whip, Eric Cantor.
4) Notice how often the new President pronounces words like "nuclear" properly, then quickly straighten all the pictures on your walls, as a nation's sigh of relief registers on the Richter scale.
5) For the first time in history, we will see an African-American, a woman, and two Catholics all on the podium during an address to Congress. Watch to see if Vice President Joe Biden does something ridiculous like throw a bottle of Jameson at the Joint Chiefs and take part of the stimulus money to "make it rain" for Nancy Pelosi.
Anyways, enjoy the speech; I'm sure we'll have much to say tomorrow.
-Ginger
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