Here's an idea, just for funsies. Let's switch MLB baseball pariah Jim Joyce (of blown perfect game fame) with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. I think the results would have positive benefits all around. Here is how it would go down:
Joyce takes the helm at BP. His first order of business is watching a replay of the oil rig disaster (even tho it supposedly doesn't exist). He mans up and immediately flies to Louisiana to apologize to the families, the fishermen, and the pelicans. He offers to pay for the clean up and the other ecological, economic, and social effects of this disaster. Cut to Joyce in hipwaders with a bucket full of Dawn dish soap and an armful of wildlife, all while tearfully admitting his own failures. For dramatic effect, Haley Barbour should resign the office of Governor of Mississippi (for 201 other reasons) and Mississippians elect Detroit Tigers skipper Jim Leyland to replace him. Jim can stand on the beach berating him, kicking sand in his eyes, throwing his hat down on the beach, purging from his lips the collective anger of all Americans.
Cut to Tropicana Field in Tampa Bay. Newly-minted American League umpire Tony "Limey" Hayward, takes the field to call the game. B.J. Upton leads off for the Rays and crushes a homerun to dead center field. Hayward declares it a triple play and the inning ends. Rays manager, Joe Maddon, charges out of the dugout, like Jeffrey Dahmer's bus just stopped at the Donner Party Reunion. and explodes with rage. Hayward explains that his call was solid and in reality, it was Upton's fault for the triple play. Had he never come to bat, none of this would have happened. As Maddon's heart rate approaches 395, he explains no one was on base and a triple play would be impossible, not to mention the homerun. Hayward points out that actually 28 people were on base, it was the fault of all of them, and really, the ball was never really hit. When the manager asks for a replay, the Limey explains the cameras on field are not recording and there's no record of what happened. At this point the 1,200 fans attending the Rays game form a mob and everyone goes home with a little British souvenir from America's game---an ear here, a femur there.
And America lives happily ever after.
~Ginger
Friday, June 4
Thursday, June 3
Do the Charleston
What the hell is with South Carolina? Some states have political scandals involving corruption: Connecticut, Rhode Island, Kentucky. Some places have scandals over drugs and alcohol: South Dakota, Washington, DC. Some states have scandals over ______ (insert whatever can be used to describe Illinois).
Then there's the Palmetto State. A Bible belt state committed to such honorable acts as hating gays, women and blacks; raising the confederate flag above the American flag; and serving as the birthplace of the War of Northern Aggression. Apparently, the reward for brightening the bulb that makes the United States the beacon for the world seems to be a unique statewide water supply. Some states use flouride to treat their public water. Some use chlorine. South Carolina seems to use a combination of Viagra, white wine, and a liquefied version of Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On."
Let's run down the list Confederate Coital Controversies:
1) Segregationist, Racist, Bible Beater Strom Thurmond had a penchant for knocking up the "staff" (read: post emancipation house slaves).
2) Governor Mark Sanford's emo-laden tango between some silk sheets in Buenos Aires. Despite the hot wife at home, Sanford took a hike in Appalachia which was temporarily located inside an Argentine journalist. Then, after getting caught with his hand in the anatomical cookie jar, Sanford failed to get the "don't cry for me" memo from Mrs. Peron.
3) (Though not funny, but just ironic given that it's happening to people who often stand against equality) Allegations of the eeeeevil, scary, sinful homosexual lifestyle have been launched against Senator Lindsey Graham and Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer. It should be added, as alumni of University of South Carolina, both Graham and Bauer have are always rooting for Gamecocks.
4) Whistles aren't the only thing being blown in the Governors race this year. In the race to succeed Mark Sanford and have the opportunity to disinfect every inch of the executive mansion, Republican candidate Nikki Haley has been beating off......allegations of sex scandals for the past two weeks. First a Sanford staffer, now a lobbyist, if she can only hunt down and lift her skirt for a political consultant she can nail the tawdry trifecta of prurient politics.
~Ginger
Then there's the Palmetto State. A Bible belt state committed to such honorable acts as hating gays, women and blacks; raising the confederate flag above the American flag; and serving as the birthplace of the War of Northern Aggression. Apparently, the reward for brightening the bulb that makes the United States the beacon for the world seems to be a unique statewide water supply. Some states use flouride to treat their public water. Some use chlorine. South Carolina seems to use a combination of Viagra, white wine, and a liquefied version of Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On."
Let's run down the list Confederate Coital Controversies:
1) Segregationist, Racist, Bible Beater Strom Thurmond had a penchant for knocking up the "staff" (read: post emancipation house slaves).
2) Governor Mark Sanford's emo-laden tango between some silk sheets in Buenos Aires. Despite the hot wife at home, Sanford took a hike in Appalachia which was temporarily located inside an Argentine journalist. Then, after getting caught with his hand in the anatomical cookie jar, Sanford failed to get the "don't cry for me" memo from Mrs. Peron.
3) (Though not funny, but just ironic given that it's happening to people who often stand against equality) Allegations of the eeeeevil, scary, sinful homosexual lifestyle have been launched against Senator Lindsey Graham and Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer. It should be added, as alumni of University of South Carolina, both Graham and Bauer have are always rooting for Gamecocks.
4) Whistles aren't the only thing being blown in the Governors race this year. In the race to succeed Mark Sanford and have the opportunity to disinfect every inch of the executive mansion, Republican candidate Nikki Haley has been beating off......allegations of sex scandals for the past two weeks. First a Sanford staffer, now a lobbyist, if she can only hunt down and lift her skirt for a political consultant she can nail the tawdry trifecta of prurient politics.
~Ginger
Wednesday, June 2
Trouble Brewer-in' in Arizona
Today, it was revealed that Arizona Governor Jan "Give Me Your Papers, Señor" Brewer claimed her father died fighting the Nazis in WWII. Some chronological and factual details help us to understand this:
1) Gov. Brewer knew her father until his death when she was 11.
2) Gov. Brewer was born September 26, 1944.
3) The Armistice in Europe was signed when Gov. Brewer was about 7 months old.
4) Her father died of lung disease.
5) He developed lung disease while working as a civilian at an ammunition factory.
She probably also remembers the good ol' days when her father would pick her up from elementary school in his conestoga wagon and drive her to see President-elect Benjamin Harrison fight the evil Visigoths as they tried to invade the Incan Empire.
In related news, CT Attorney General Richard Blumenthal was wounded in Operation Desert Storm this week, and today Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) was KIA fighting in the Battle of Anteitam.
~Ginger
1) Gov. Brewer knew her father until his death when she was 11.
2) Gov. Brewer was born September 26, 1944.
3) The Armistice in Europe was signed when Gov. Brewer was about 7 months old.
4) Her father died of lung disease.
5) He developed lung disease while working as a civilian at an ammunition factory.
She probably also remembers the good ol' days when her father would pick her up from elementary school in his conestoga wagon and drive her to see President-elect Benjamin Harrison fight the evil Visigoths as they tried to invade the Incan Empire.
In related news, CT Attorney General Richard Blumenthal was wounded in Operation Desert Storm this week, and today Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) was KIA fighting in the Battle of Anteitam.
~Ginger
Anti-Incumbent or Anti-Turncoat
So far this year four sitting Congressmen or Senators have been defeated in a primary. While mass media is spending all their time claiming the wave against incumbents, this should come as no suprise that TV pundits are stupid and something else is happening so far. The reasons for defeating these incumbents--Sen. Bob Bennett (R-UT); Rep. Artur Davis (D-AL); Rep. Parker Griffith (R-AL); and Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA)--can be divided into three categories. 1) Bitch slapping party-switchers 2) Ignoring self-hating turncoats and 3) A party system dominated by theocratic idiots.
1) The Switch in Time that Saved No One.
Rep. Griffith and Sen. Specter decided in this Congress to switch parties and run under the banner of their opposition. While this would be a wonderful idea in the land of failed personal principles, mind-numbing ignorance, and unending self-love (though Alabama does finish high on the list for the qualities), the voters in Alabama and Pennsylvania weren't having any of it. Nothing says, "I'm a Republican" like spending 2008 running in an anti-Bush wave and then voting for Nancy Pelosi as Speaker. However, after gobbling up Democratic campaign donations like Jerry Nadler at an all you can eat buffet, Giffith left the party. Thankfully, the Republican party opted not to offer him the nomination. Griffith, whose political savvy is only outmatched by his resemblance to a creepy, child-less, binoculars carrying, children's playground observer version of Colonel Sanders, apparently showed us that no matter how pathetic a former Democrat is, the Republican Party of Alabama can find someone even more horrifying to go to Congress.
2) The Race to Finish Second
Rep. Artur Davis, another Alabama gem, was refused the Democratic nomination for governor. Now Artur has been a Member of Congress for a few terms and has some pretty solid name recognition. And all Artur Davis, a black Democratic politician, did was ignore the large black electorate in his state and fail to get the endorsement of the state's major civil rights organization. Oh ya, and despite representing a district with a large black population in one of the poorest, unhealthiest states in the US, he was the only member of the Congressional Black Caucus to vote against the Obama health care plan. Instead, white and more progressive Ag Commissioner Ron Sparks showed him the door---and rightly so. Rep. Davis, enjoy your years of early retirement and think long and hard that even in a state with an average IQ of 21, they can get that burning rise of partially digested Southern fare whenever a politician turns his back on everyone he should and shows the backbone as firm as mashed potatoes and pancake batter.
3) The Utah GOP Threw out Bob, Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb....
Finally, Sen. Bennett was defeated by a party caucus (not the full electorate) by a combination of perfect, pure, and morally superior LDS theocrats and Tea Party members whose statements and speeches make the rantings of a schizophrenic like the Son of Sam Killer seem as stable and calm as a bedtime story from Mother Teresa. They threw Bennett out of office, despite being a great representative of Utah's interests, because he wasn't "them" enough and actually used his mind to deal with the scaaaaaaary black president. This sits in stark contrast to Tea Partiers path to dealing with Obama: speak about constitutional issues you know nothing about and close your eyes and have a wet dream about the antebellum South and what you could do in a city sitting below the Mason-Dixon line.
So, there you have it. The four incumbents have lost because they either ignored the people who gave them their rise and turned their back on their principles. Or they unfortunately faced a group of party elites with Bund-Rally-style passion for a "cause."
~Ginger
1) The Switch in Time that Saved No One.
Rep. Griffith and Sen. Specter decided in this Congress to switch parties and run under the banner of their opposition. While this would be a wonderful idea in the land of failed personal principles, mind-numbing ignorance, and unending self-love (though Alabama does finish high on the list for the qualities), the voters in Alabama and Pennsylvania weren't having any of it. Nothing says, "I'm a Republican" like spending 2008 running in an anti-Bush wave and then voting for Nancy Pelosi as Speaker. However, after gobbling up Democratic campaign donations like Jerry Nadler at an all you can eat buffet, Giffith left the party. Thankfully, the Republican party opted not to offer him the nomination. Griffith, whose political savvy is only outmatched by his resemblance to a creepy, child-less, binoculars carrying, children's playground observer version of Colonel Sanders, apparently showed us that no matter how pathetic a former Democrat is, the Republican Party of Alabama can find someone even more horrifying to go to Congress.
2) The Race to Finish Second
Rep. Artur Davis, another Alabama gem, was refused the Democratic nomination for governor. Now Artur has been a Member of Congress for a few terms and has some pretty solid name recognition. And all Artur Davis, a black Democratic politician, did was ignore the large black electorate in his state and fail to get the endorsement of the state's major civil rights organization. Oh ya, and despite representing a district with a large black population in one of the poorest, unhealthiest states in the US, he was the only member of the Congressional Black Caucus to vote against the Obama health care plan. Instead, white and more progressive Ag Commissioner Ron Sparks showed him the door---and rightly so. Rep. Davis, enjoy your years of early retirement and think long and hard that even in a state with an average IQ of 21, they can get that burning rise of partially digested Southern fare whenever a politician turns his back on everyone he should and shows the backbone as firm as mashed potatoes and pancake batter.
3) The Utah GOP Threw out Bob, Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb....
Finally, Sen. Bennett was defeated by a party caucus (not the full electorate) by a combination of perfect, pure, and morally superior LDS theocrats and Tea Party members whose statements and speeches make the rantings of a schizophrenic like the Son of Sam Killer seem as stable and calm as a bedtime story from Mother Teresa. They threw Bennett out of office, despite being a great representative of Utah's interests, because he wasn't "them" enough and actually used his mind to deal with the scaaaaaaary black president. This sits in stark contrast to Tea Partiers path to dealing with Obama: speak about constitutional issues you know nothing about and close your eyes and have a wet dream about the antebellum South and what you could do in a city sitting below the Mason-Dixon line.
So, there you have it. The four incumbents have lost because they either ignored the people who gave them their rise and turned their back on their principles. Or they unfortunately faced a group of party elites with Bund-Rally-style passion for a "cause."
~Ginger
Tuesday, June 1
Just the Tipper
Al and Tipper Gore are ending their 40 year marriage. I can only imagine the look of sadness washing over Tipper's face like the rising ocean levels rushing across a pristine beach. It must look like the face a Polar Bear gets when it suddenly finds itself in a newly broken off ice frigate with no source of food, coasting aimlessly into the forever warming abyss.
While a juicy story may yet emerge, it appears the two drifted apart like two halves of a melted glacier. These two soon-to-be divorcees shall move on, spending separately their final days until they finally melt away into the ocean of eternity.
On a related note: breaker breaker, a cougar has escaped from the zoo. And even the most boring, dry guy could enliven her otherwise soporific existence. You don't even have to be a 10 to land her; she's been resigning herself to a professional runner up for almost two decades.
~Ginger
While a juicy story may yet emerge, it appears the two drifted apart like two halves of a melted glacier. These two soon-to-be divorcees shall move on, spending separately their final days until they finally melt away into the ocean of eternity.
On a related note: breaker breaker, a cougar has escaped from the zoo. And even the most boring, dry guy could enliven her otherwise soporific existence. You don't even have to be a 10 to land her; she's been resigning herself to a professional runner up for almost two decades.
~Ginger
Change with a Side of Texas Toast.
Well, my Spanish is a little rusty, but here goes nothing. Si, se puede culpar al presidente Clinton, tambien.
Thank God the Bush Administration is over. Remember those days. Whenever a scandal or a problem arose it was always the fault of pantsless Bill Clinton and his pants-wearing wife. Recession? Clinton's social programs. Katrina? Clinton's Army Corps of Engineers. September 11th? Clinton's intelligence failures. Bush's 1970s coke marathon? Clinton?? Laura Bush's killing of a high school classmate? Bill had to be part of that, too...like a precursor to Whitewater or Vince Foster or something...
Anyways, thank God we have a Democratic president now who owns up to his own problems, scandals, and failures. But wait, what's this? Oh, yes, Obama's first real personnel scandal, and it must be someone else's fault. Our President, an individual who is self-annointed to be our Savior above the fray of politics as usual, refuses to own up to his own screw up. Instead, he resorts to blaming everyone's favorite punching bag Bill Clinton.
Here is the set up: incumbent Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen "back and to the left" Specter reads the tea leaves, switches parties and runs for reelection. A real Democrat, Joe Sestak, challenges him in the primary. The party loses it a little bit. Along the way, Sestak claims the White House offered him a position in the Defense Department in exchange for his dropping out of the primary and letting a Republicrat (read: douche) coast to the general election. Sestak tells this to the press and the President has no idea what to do.
When most people are in a position where they are unsure how to act, they fall back on what is comfortable and familiar, and what they're good at. The great Obama did just that: he maneuvered politically in a manner that echoes the Bush Administration, blaming Bill Clinton.
Hey, maybe Clinton did have a little something to do with this, and I'll be eating my words. But you know what Obama, man the hell up. You're in the big leagues now, and it's time you took blame for SOMETHING.
~Ginger
Thank God the Bush Administration is over. Remember those days. Whenever a scandal or a problem arose it was always the fault of pantsless Bill Clinton and his pants-wearing wife. Recession? Clinton's social programs. Katrina? Clinton's Army Corps of Engineers. September 11th? Clinton's intelligence failures. Bush's 1970s coke marathon? Clinton?? Laura Bush's killing of a high school classmate? Bill had to be part of that, too...like a precursor to Whitewater or Vince Foster or something...
Anyways, thank God we have a Democratic president now who owns up to his own problems, scandals, and failures. But wait, what's this? Oh, yes, Obama's first real personnel scandal, and it must be someone else's fault. Our President, an individual who is self-annointed to be our Savior above the fray of politics as usual, refuses to own up to his own screw up. Instead, he resorts to blaming everyone's favorite punching bag Bill Clinton.
Here is the set up: incumbent Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen "back and to the left" Specter reads the tea leaves, switches parties and runs for reelection. A real Democrat, Joe Sestak, challenges him in the primary. The party loses it a little bit. Along the way, Sestak claims the White House offered him a position in the Defense Department in exchange for his dropping out of the primary and letting a Republicrat (read: douche) coast to the general election. Sestak tells this to the press and the President has no idea what to do.
When most people are in a position where they are unsure how to act, they fall back on what is comfortable and familiar, and what they're good at. The great Obama did just that: he maneuvered politically in a manner that echoes the Bush Administration, blaming Bill Clinton.
Hey, maybe Clinton did have a little something to do with this, and I'll be eating my words. But you know what Obama, man the hell up. You're in the big leagues now, and it's time you took blame for SOMETHING.
~Ginger
Monday, May 31
Israel: The Neighbors’ Son with the Meth Habit
It seems he's at it again. Everytime they pass him a little money and encourage him to go out and live his life, but do the right thing this time, he screws up. Whether it's slapping his newest Meth-ey girlfriend around, that embarassing public urination collar, announcing a new settlement policy while the Vice President of the United States is over for dinner or sinking an aid ship, he's always dragging that decent family through the mud. Of course that family always babied him. Maybe tough love will set him straight and finally show him not to be the town dick. Either way, he's always getting himself in trouble and everyone around him in a tizzy.
Anyways, as tough as mean old Aunt Hillary is, her occasional visits seem not to be doing the trick. It's about time she goes over there with a belt and beats the hell out of him. Hopefully that will teach him that he's not the center of the Earth and that his actions have consequences. Aunt Hillary can be kind of a bitch, but dealing with her is a lot easier than dealing with the neighbors. They've all kind of had enough of his bullshit over the years, and I heard they've got a couple of guns.
Israel, remember, it's embarrassing when your country's behavior mirrors that of a hateful, high school dropout whose idea of a good afternoon is a meth binge followed by a sloppy rendezvous on the swingset at the local elementary school with the night shift clerk from the local Exxon station during the fourth graders' recess.
~Ginger
Anyways, as tough as mean old Aunt Hillary is, her occasional visits seem not to be doing the trick. It's about time she goes over there with a belt and beats the hell out of him. Hopefully that will teach him that he's not the center of the Earth and that his actions have consequences. Aunt Hillary can be kind of a bitch, but dealing with her is a lot easier than dealing with the neighbors. They've all kind of had enough of his bullshit over the years, and I heard they've got a couple of guns.
Israel, remember, it's embarrassing when your country's behavior mirrors that of a hateful, high school dropout whose idea of a good afternoon is a meth binge followed by a sloppy rendezvous on the swingset at the local elementary school with the night shift clerk from the local Exxon station during the fourth graders' recess.
~Ginger
Monday, August 24
Scorned Wife Opens Irony Store
Scorned wife of former vice-presidential candidate and current serial adulterer, John Edwards, opened an antique shop this week in her native Chapel Hill, North Carolina. She named it Red Window. I assume the name comes from the day she sat outside her scumbag husband's whore's house watched him scurry inside like a puppy to a treat bag--a nasty, venerial disease-ridden, callused treat bag. The glow from the light just inside that pane of glass illuminated red a window into the destruction of a political career. The tongue in cheek title seems like a clear choice for an angry women facing adultery, humiliation, an upcoming failure in the policy that she has made her life's work, and impending death. However, Red Window was not her first option, but Blonde Whores Should Die of AIDS has a location in nearby Durham.
Good for Elizabeth for showing the world that depite everything she is not through with this world. I assume she was thrown into the workforce by her husband's legal bills and child support payments to the possibly dozens of women he selflessly inseminated over the years as Johnny Good-Boy rode around the country railing against poverty and speaking of the American Dream. Thankfully, Elizabeth still embodies the American dream by opening a business of her own. Hopefully her children will see her as the role model and not their rat father who thinks the best thing he has to offer this country is a Cialis-laden penis, that as a good ol' boy from the South (I heard somewhere who grew up in a Mill town), is ripe for plantin'.
~Ginger
Good for Elizabeth for showing the world that depite everything she is not through with this world. I assume she was thrown into the workforce by her husband's legal bills and child support payments to the possibly dozens of women he selflessly inseminated over the years as Johnny Good-Boy rode around the country railing against poverty and speaking of the American Dream. Thankfully, Elizabeth still embodies the American dream by opening a business of her own. Hopefully her children will see her as the role model and not their rat father who thinks the best thing he has to offer this country is a Cialis-laden penis, that as a good ol' boy from the South (I heard somewhere who grew up in a Mill town), is ripe for plantin'.
~Ginger
Monday, July 13
Hearings TODAY. Liveblogging NOW!
I was mixed up, the confirmation hearing for Judge Sonia Sotomayor begins today. Reactions are coming.
1:45PM CST: Wow. Sen. Gillbrand (D-NY) is certainly filling Ted Kennedy's enormous flabby shoes, standing in as the institution's most rotund Senator. A white suit? Really? Does anyone fat in the world understand that white (or orange...see front row stage left) are not flattering? Excuse me...Sen. Gillibrand's great-grandmother must be pissed that Kirsten ripped drapes off the windows and wrapped herself up in them.
1:38PM CST: Sen. Al Franken (D-MN) just said that as the newest member of the institution, he has a lot to learn about being a Senator. Has he heard his colleagues speak so far? There's not much to learn. He's really overstating their qualifications. Here is what you need to be a Senator. 1) Be at least 30 years old, but at all times look 40 years older than you actually are. 2) Live in a state. 3) Be ok with and when necessary take part in adultery. 4) Be boring and if boring isn't possible because of personality, senility or both (see Robert Byrd (D-Death's Door)) ramble continuously, flamboyently, and nonsensically.
1:29PM CST: Did Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA) die before this hearing but recorded his opening statement on a recorder and slip it in his suit pocket, wheel his corpse out to the dais and press play?
11:25AM CST: Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) just gave his shitastic opening statement. As he explained all the terrors of liberals on the court and how biased Sotomayor is, he got snippy and copped a total emo conserva-tude. I was suprised to see Coburn at the hearing and he wasn't too busy helping cover up his fellow Republican colleagues' purely moral and good Christian adultery. He also kept talking about how important it was for the statue of lady justice to be blind...and I assume while he wants a blindfold over her eyes, he also wants a larger sash draped across her pornographically bare breasts.
11:15AM: Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Wealth and Privilege) is now giving his opening statement and is not having any of the Republican Party's bullshit criticisms of Sotomayor. He is explaining why Republican criticism of liberal judges as "activists" as opposed to the "constraint" oriented conservative judges. Also building on an umpire analogy reflecting on conservatives discovering conservative-supported rights, he just said "That's some balls......and strikes." He's my new favorite Senator.
11:05AM CST: Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) learned a new word today "ether". It's ironic because I think he indulged in it before the hearing. He, a former justice of the Texas Supreme Court (America's grim reaper), is also rambling like his friend from South Carolina (see below). Looking at him makes me want to climb in the bathtub and open a vein. Between his shiny head, and his George Bush mannerisms are brutally irritating. His nonsense talk about the stability of the Constitution is cute. Not as cute as his weak football analogy that he got a kick out of. How about another football analogy from his homestate. Sotomayor has spent more time in a courtroom than the Dallas Cowboys' defensive line---a truly enormous accomplishment.
10:25AM: Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) is now rambling through his opening statement where he is doing his best to restrain himself from shaking maracas at her. He is currently making no sense. Frankly, he's probably pissed off at God and his parents. The first for giving him estrogen-ridden facial features and the latter for topping off his effeminate sundae with a name like "Lindsay". He is from South Carolina, like he is in any position to judge anyone's qualification to hold public office.
10:15 CST: Jesus Obama is announcing his Surgeon General nominee today. I'm not sure why he is doing it on the same day as his Supreme Court nominee's confirmation hearing, but my guess is that it's someone controversial that he doesn't want much coverage of. At least it won't be douchebag extraordinaire Dr. Sanjay Gupta. The man whose feast for public attention is outweighed only by his own opinion of himself.
10:05AM CST: Did CNN's Candy Crowley get her stomach stapled? Will she change her name to Wheat Thin Crowley to reflect the change of lifestyle?
9:45AM CST: Crazy person outburst #1 during Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). It sounded like the person was yelling at the Senator for not voting for Justice Alito's nomination 4 years ago. One Republican criticism is Sotomayor is that she's racist because she supports equal protection. Alito's membership in an outwardly racist student group when he was in college, however is ok with Republicans.
9:30AM CST: Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) and previously failed federal judge nominee claims, a persons should ask himself if he were to go before a court what type of judge you would want? My answer: not a scumbag from Alabama who thinks black people deserve harsher penalties for white people for committing the same crime.
Also, I love how Judge Sotomayor pronounced her family's names in a super-ethnic way. Does she normally pronounce names that way? Maybe. Did she do it to piss off the racists sitting on the Committee? Definitely.
1:45PM CST: Wow. Sen. Gillbrand (D-NY) is certainly filling Ted Kennedy's enormous flabby shoes, standing in as the institution's most rotund Senator. A white suit? Really? Does anyone fat in the world understand that white (or orange...see front row stage left) are not flattering? Excuse me...Sen. Gillibrand's great-grandmother must be pissed that Kirsten ripped drapes off the windows and wrapped herself up in them.
1:38PM CST: Sen. Al Franken (D-MN) just said that as the newest member of the institution, he has a lot to learn about being a Senator. Has he heard his colleagues speak so far? There's not much to learn. He's really overstating their qualifications. Here is what you need to be a Senator. 1) Be at least 30 years old, but at all times look 40 years older than you actually are. 2) Live in a state. 3) Be ok with and when necessary take part in adultery. 4) Be boring and if boring isn't possible because of personality, senility or both (see Robert Byrd (D-Death's Door)) ramble continuously, flamboyently, and nonsensically.
1:29PM CST: Did Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA) die before this hearing but recorded his opening statement on a recorder and slip it in his suit pocket, wheel his corpse out to the dais and press play?
11:25AM CST: Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) just gave his shitastic opening statement. As he explained all the terrors of liberals on the court and how biased Sotomayor is, he got snippy and copped a total emo conserva-tude. I was suprised to see Coburn at the hearing and he wasn't too busy helping cover up his fellow Republican colleagues' purely moral and good Christian adultery. He also kept talking about how important it was for the statue of lady justice to be blind...and I assume while he wants a blindfold over her eyes, he also wants a larger sash draped across her pornographically bare breasts.
11:15AM: Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Wealth and Privilege) is now giving his opening statement and is not having any of the Republican Party's bullshit criticisms of Sotomayor. He is explaining why Republican criticism of liberal judges as "activists" as opposed to the "constraint" oriented conservative judges. Also building on an umpire analogy reflecting on conservatives discovering conservative-supported rights, he just said "That's some balls......and strikes." He's my new favorite Senator.
11:05AM CST: Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) learned a new word today "ether". It's ironic because I think he indulged in it before the hearing. He, a former justice of the Texas Supreme Court (America's grim reaper), is also rambling like his friend from South Carolina (see below). Looking at him makes me want to climb in the bathtub and open a vein. Between his shiny head, and his George Bush mannerisms are brutally irritating. His nonsense talk about the stability of the Constitution is cute. Not as cute as his weak football analogy that he got a kick out of. How about another football analogy from his homestate. Sotomayor has spent more time in a courtroom than the Dallas Cowboys' defensive line---a truly enormous accomplishment.
10:25AM: Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) is now rambling through his opening statement where he is doing his best to restrain himself from shaking maracas at her. He is currently making no sense. Frankly, he's probably pissed off at God and his parents. The first for giving him estrogen-ridden facial features and the latter for topping off his effeminate sundae with a name like "Lindsay". He is from South Carolina, like he is in any position to judge anyone's qualification to hold public office.
10:15 CST: Jesus Obama is announcing his Surgeon General nominee today. I'm not sure why he is doing it on the same day as his Supreme Court nominee's confirmation hearing, but my guess is that it's someone controversial that he doesn't want much coverage of. At least it won't be douchebag extraordinaire Dr. Sanjay Gupta. The man whose feast for public attention is outweighed only by his own opinion of himself.
10:05AM CST: Did CNN's Candy Crowley get her stomach stapled? Will she change her name to Wheat Thin Crowley to reflect the change of lifestyle?
9:45AM CST: Crazy person outburst #1 during Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). It sounded like the person was yelling at the Senator for not voting for Justice Alito's nomination 4 years ago. One Republican criticism is Sotomayor is that she's racist because she supports equal protection. Alito's membership in an outwardly racist student group when he was in college, however is ok with Republicans.
9:30AM CST: Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL) and previously failed federal judge nominee claims, a persons should ask himself if he were to go before a court what type of judge you would want? My answer: not a scumbag from Alabama who thinks black people deserve harsher penalties for white people for committing the same crime.
Also, I love how Judge Sotomayor pronounced her family's names in a super-ethnic way. Does she normally pronounce names that way? Maybe. Did she do it to piss off the racists sitting on the Committee? Definitely.
Saturday, July 11
Tuesday's Liveblog Event! Now Monday!
On Tuesday, the US Senate Judiciary Committee will be holding its first day of confirmation hearings for Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor. It should be fun as Democrats hold her up to be the most flawless jurist in the history of law. Meanwhile, Republicans will likely label her a racist, and extremist and a woman who will (insert veiled racial slur).
In honor of this day, Ginger and Slim will be liveblogging throughout the day. So, if you're looking for some information and hopefully a good laugh, visit our website throughout the day to get updates on how President Obama's first High Court nominee is faring. Tomorrow or Monday, Ginger will post a "What to Watch for Guide."
~Ginger and Slim
In honor of this day, Ginger and Slim will be liveblogging throughout the day. So, if you're looking for some information and hopefully a good laugh, visit our website throughout the day to get updates on how President Obama's first High Court nominee is faring. Tomorrow or Monday, Ginger will post a "What to Watch for Guide."
~Ginger and Slim
Thursday, July 9
Between a C--k and a Hard Place
It was revealed today that Nevada Senator and the Mountain West's heterosexual playboy John Ensign's parents paid off the woman he was sleeping with. This sum ($96,000) is in addition to her pay doubling, as she served as his Senate Office's Executive-level prostate tickler, and while his mistress' barely pubescent son was given a consultant job at the National Republican Senatorial Committee.
Normally, the Democrats would have two routes. 1) Scream and yell and demand his resignation or 2) As Harball's Democratic "analyst" on this issue just spouted, Sit back and watch the Hindenberg fall. Neither is actually feasible for them. Like all good Americans, Democrats want to stand up and demand that a family values Republican adulterer be thrown in the pit of flames and banished from the political world. He should be cast from the legions of purity that march the streets of Washington to their House on the Hill. His political soul should be banished to the firey hell of political obscurity where (no Democrats because their misdeeds are always long forgotten) evil Republicans like Larry "foot tapper" Craig, David "will $20 cover it" Vitter, and Mark "Really?" Sanford all reside. It is Beelzebub's bordello from which the lure brings you through the door and the damnation never lets you out.
However, Democrats can't demand it because the alternative is horrifying and politically stupid. If Ensign were to resign, the Republican Governor of Nevada, Jim Gibbons, would be allowed to appoint his interim-successor. Meanwhile, Ensign and his vaginal fluid dousing rod will disappear from voters' memory. Democrats may not be able to use him as an effective punching bag. Worse however, is that a Nevada politician exists who is far worse than John Ensign---and it's Governor Gibbons. In his short stint in politics, Gibbons has been accused of bribery, kickbacks to mining companies, employing illegal workers, sexual assault, criminal interference, and other fun crimes. His wife left him and he is spinning wildly out of control, a la Illinois' Blago, just with substantially more disgusting charges. So, Democrats really need Ensign to keep on truckin' and, where possible, keep on fu--in'.
~Ginger
Normally, the Democrats would have two routes. 1) Scream and yell and demand his resignation or 2) As Harball's Democratic "analyst" on this issue just spouted, Sit back and watch the Hindenberg fall. Neither is actually feasible for them. Like all good Americans, Democrats want to stand up and demand that a family values Republican adulterer be thrown in the pit of flames and banished from the political world. He should be cast from the legions of purity that march the streets of Washington to their House on the Hill. His political soul should be banished to the firey hell of political obscurity where (no Democrats because their misdeeds are always long forgotten) evil Republicans like Larry "foot tapper" Craig, David "will $20 cover it" Vitter, and Mark "Really?" Sanford all reside. It is Beelzebub's bordello from which the lure brings you through the door and the damnation never lets you out.
However, Democrats can't demand it because the alternative is horrifying and politically stupid. If Ensign were to resign, the Republican Governor of Nevada, Jim Gibbons, would be allowed to appoint his interim-successor. Meanwhile, Ensign and his vaginal fluid dousing rod will disappear from voters' memory. Democrats may not be able to use him as an effective punching bag. Worse however, is that a Nevada politician exists who is far worse than John Ensign---and it's Governor Gibbons. In his short stint in politics, Gibbons has been accused of bribery, kickbacks to mining companies, employing illegal workers, sexual assault, criminal interference, and other fun crimes. His wife left him and he is spinning wildly out of control, a la Illinois' Blago, just with substantially more disgusting charges. So, Democrats really need Ensign to keep on truckin' and, where possible, keep on fu--in'.
~Ginger
Saturday, July 4
Christmas in July
It's Christmas in July for Ginger & Slim, and we got so much schadenfreude we're thinking of re-gifting some to our less sassy loved ones. Ensign. Sanford. Palin. FRANKEN COMES ALIVE.
What's next? Will Arnold go ballistic over the CA budget clusterfuck and murder a fourth of the Kennedy clan? Will one of Bobby Jindal's exorcisms go terribly awry in The Exorcism of Emily Rose 2? Where is Mitt Romney's illegal immigrant Hispanic love child? How many dead prostitutes are in Tim Pawlenty's basement?
But enough evil cackling for now. All of this Republican embarrassment has led pundits to their own severely embarrassing conclusion: Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour could be a 2012 contender. Barbour is truly a GOP powerhouse, and he makes no apologies for disenfranchising black voters, denying Medicaid to the poor, encouraging ten-year-olds to smoke, or eating five rare steaks a day for lunch. He is influential, he is likeable, and he is one shrewd dick. Sanford's emo love affair has resulted in Barbour becoming chair of the RGA a year early, and he's been drumming up money for the party in Iowa and New Hampshire recently. But he won't run.
A recent piss poor article talked about Barbour's "murky past," but nothing in the profile would preclude him from running, in part because he's no worse than any other Republican and in part because it's all common knowledge. Barbour won't run because he loves being insider power broker, and he's kind of old, and he's super fat, and he's ready to semi-retire to the farm, play party grandfather behind the scenes, and await the major coronary.
Barbour doesn't make mistakes. He is well aware of his weaknesses, and he went ahead and took himself out of the race some time ago. Barbour would never pardon murderers-turned-mansion-gardeners if he was looking towards the big prize. By hyping Barbour's chances, pundits and reporters are simply showing their ignorance of American politics by actually considering that the GOP is so fucked that Haley's their last best chance.
The 2012 GOP presidential nominee isn't even on the radar. So if the media could go ahead and stop trying to find him/her and get me some more scandal, that would be great.
~Slim
Alaskan Cat Fight!!!
So, Republican Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski released a statement today in response to the Palin resignation stating, "I am deeply disappointed that the Governor has decided to abandon the State and her constituents before her term has concluded.” This would seem odd, a Republican criticizing another Republican so openly. The backstory explains why it is not.
Frank Murkowski was a US Senator from Alaska. He ran for Governor and won. Just before taking office, he resigned his Senate seat and as governor had the power to appoint his successor for a two year term. He appointed his daughter Lisa (see above). Meanwhile Governor Murkowski gets caught up in a huge scandal and the lowly mayor of Wasilla runs in a Republican primary against him--defeating him. This mayor, Sarah Palin, spent the primary campaign bashing the hell out of Governor Murkowski for his corruption---and won!
Needless to say, there is no love lost between Sarah Palin and Lisa Murkowski. But the reality of the situation is this: two totally underqualified individuals having a public political exchange of words. The Senator here tried to have the last laugh. Maybe Senator Murkowski is trying to distance herself from whatever shitshow is about to erupt surrounding Palin, but I think there's more (or less, depending on your perspective) to it.
Lisa Murkowski and Sarah Palin are like two girls everyone went to high school with. Lisa Murkowski was the homely girl who was only popular because her father was rich and bought her nice things, and while expensive makeup can only fix some things it can at least help a face that is some mix of otter and sewer rat (see Murkowski picture). What the makeup hides physically, family wealth and connections hide mentally and Lisa (or whoever it was in your high school) did better than the life she was qualified for: the return counter clerk at Payless.
Sarah Palin is that girl from your high school who came from almost nothing and actually might have worked the return counter at Payless. However, she had good looks and that got her by. Her intellect couldn't impress a squeeze bottle of mustard, but a willingness to blow strangers in order to get ahead did her well. If the money isn't there to fulfill all your dreams, can a talented tongue offer you success? You betcha!
~Ginger
Frank Murkowski was a US Senator from Alaska. He ran for Governor and won. Just before taking office, he resigned his Senate seat and as governor had the power to appoint his successor for a two year term. He appointed his daughter Lisa (see above). Meanwhile Governor Murkowski gets caught up in a huge scandal and the lowly mayor of Wasilla runs in a Republican primary against him--defeating him. This mayor, Sarah Palin, spent the primary campaign bashing the hell out of Governor Murkowski for his corruption---and won!
Needless to say, there is no love lost between Sarah Palin and Lisa Murkowski. But the reality of the situation is this: two totally underqualified individuals having a public political exchange of words. The Senator here tried to have the last laugh. Maybe Senator Murkowski is trying to distance herself from whatever shitshow is about to erupt surrounding Palin, but I think there's more (or less, depending on your perspective) to it.
Lisa Murkowski and Sarah Palin are like two girls everyone went to high school with. Lisa Murkowski was the homely girl who was only popular because her father was rich and bought her nice things, and while expensive makeup can only fix some things it can at least help a face that is some mix of otter and sewer rat (see Murkowski picture). What the makeup hides physically, family wealth and connections hide mentally and Lisa (or whoever it was in your high school) did better than the life she was qualified for: the return counter clerk at Payless.
Sarah Palin is that girl from your high school who came from almost nothing and actually might have worked the return counter at Payless. However, she had good looks and that got her by. Her intellect couldn't impress a squeeze bottle of mustard, but a willingness to blow strangers in order to get ahead did her well. If the money isn't there to fulfill all your dreams, can a talented tongue offer you success? You betcha!
~Ginger
Friday, July 3
One for the Birds
So, Alaska Governor, 2008 GOP Vice Presidential nominee, and barely literate Sarah Palin announced today she is stepping down from her job as her state's chief executive. While I'm sure Slim and I will have much to say about this over the coming days, I want to blog quick about my first impression.
Despite a silly, contradictory, rambling, and voice-cracking announcement by Alaska's favorite former sportscaster, some people in the GOP will find this speech "selfless" or "magnanimous" or whatever they can spin as they pray to Jesus that her screams of good faith are louder than Mark Sanford's latest letter to Penthouse. However, not everyone bought this load of crap. Chief among them: birds. If you listen to her speech, as she describes her positive record on ethics and her decision is for the good of Alaska, there is a pelican (or whatever the hell birds they have up there that haven't been asphyxiated in an inlet of Saudi sweet crude) making a laughing sound. Maybe Palin thought her record had killed enough wildlife that an outdoor press conference was safe, but it wasn't the case. Nothing says I'm screwed like a flock of birds off camera not having any of it.
Like I said, more to come; Happy 4th!
~Ginger
Despite a silly, contradictory, rambling, and voice-cracking announcement by Alaska's favorite former sportscaster, some people in the GOP will find this speech "selfless" or "magnanimous" or whatever they can spin as they pray to Jesus that her screams of good faith are louder than Mark Sanford's latest letter to Penthouse. However, not everyone bought this load of crap. Chief among them: birds. If you listen to her speech, as she describes her positive record on ethics and her decision is for the good of Alaska, there is a pelican (or whatever the hell birds they have up there that haven't been asphyxiated in an inlet of Saudi sweet crude) making a laughing sound. Maybe Palin thought her record had killed enough wildlife that an outdoor press conference was safe, but it wasn't the case. Nothing says I'm screwed like a flock of birds off camera not having any of it.
Like I said, more to come; Happy 4th!
~Ginger
Wednesday, July 1
Chairman Waxman Being Emo
Henry Waxman, chairman of the powerful House Committee on Energy and Commerce, was hospitalized today because he "felt unwell," according to his spokesperson. Who feels "unwell" in 2009? Did they load him into a conestoga wagon and cart him to the nearest apothecary for some smelling salts and ether?
Slim likes to compare such happenings to Former Secretary of Homeland Security and Federal Judge Michael Mukasey's "old-timey whoopsie" and "case of the vapors" before an audience of lawyers last year.
Anyways, maybe Waxman is being hospitalized for exhaustion (or a touch of the vertigo?) after ramming the Climate Bill through the House with as much finesse as a serial rapist in a convent. Or maybe it was an assassination attempt. Likeliest suspects:
1) Any Democratic House Member who isn't a barnicle on the underside of Nancy Pelosi.
2) Any Republican who loves smog, hummers, and corporations and hates taxes, trees, and hippies---so, any Republican.
3) People who hate people who have noses that belong on a farm.
4) John Dingell, the longest serving member of the House of Represenatives. He began his House tenure during Eisenhower's first term(literally!) and was next in line for the chairmanship of Energy and Commerce. However, he refused to feed from the trough of Pelosi sycohphants and got booted. While I'm not saying the move was unjust, given that Dingell's Detroit ties make his chairmanship of the Energy committee troublesome, I think he's a suspect. However, being born in 1926 means he's prone to the vapors and feeling unwell, too. But in his closet, behind his musket, there might be an old sarsaparilla bottle filled with some poison that hasn't been seen in use in 600 years, and it happened to find its way into Waxman's morning coffee.
~Ginger
Slim likes to compare such happenings to Former Secretary of Homeland Security and Federal Judge Michael Mukasey's "old-timey whoopsie" and "case of the vapors" before an audience of lawyers last year.
Anyways, maybe Waxman is being hospitalized for exhaustion (or a touch of the vertigo?) after ramming the Climate Bill through the House with as much finesse as a serial rapist in a convent. Or maybe it was an assassination attempt. Likeliest suspects:
1) Any Democratic House Member who isn't a barnicle on the underside of Nancy Pelosi.
2) Any Republican who loves smog, hummers, and corporations and hates taxes, trees, and hippies---so, any Republican.
3) People who hate people who have noses that belong on a farm.
4) John Dingell, the longest serving member of the House of Represenatives. He began his House tenure during Eisenhower's first term(literally!) and was next in line for the chairmanship of Energy and Commerce. However, he refused to feed from the trough of Pelosi sycohphants and got booted. While I'm not saying the move was unjust, given that Dingell's Detroit ties make his chairmanship of the Energy committee troublesome, I think he's a suspect. However, being born in 1926 means he's prone to the vapors and feeling unwell, too. But in his closet, behind his musket, there might be an old sarsaparilla bottle filled with some poison that hasn't been seen in use in 600 years, and it happened to find its way into Waxman's morning coffee.
~Ginger
Tuesday, June 30
Sanford Update!
So, it's not just Argentine women that gets South Carolina's governor going. Apparently he has fooled around with other women, though he didn't have sex. He sounds like another slick, adulterous Southern governor who couldn't define sex or the word "is". In fact, Southern governors inform this quick post a bit. Former President, Georgia Governor and Georgia's Peach(pit) Jimmy Carter once said he lusted in his heart. By the sound of the above link, Governor Sanford lusted in his fingers and probably his mouth, too.
~Ginger
~Ginger
MSNBC: Now Worse Than Ever
After telling Slim I had to blog today about MSNBC’s new show “Morning Meeting with Dylan Ratigan.” We came to understand the network revisions to be an extended metaphor for the political news world. The new MSNBC was bad and we couldn’t think it could drop below our expectations, but somehow managed to pull it off. It reminded us of the Obama administration, as kind irony given the networks penchant for swallowing the president’s staff 24 hours a day in real time. Second, the new lineup sucks harder than ever, like Keith Olbermann kneeling before a Manhattan gloryhole for his daily protein buffet luncheon. Now, the egos are more bloated and less qualified with this quality’s standard bearer, Luke Russert, storming the beaches of painful failure in order to escape the clutches of mediocrity.
That said, back to “Morning Meeting with Dylan Ratigan.” Apparently, a receding hairline of salt and pepper rats nest, buckteeth, no talent, a lack of understanding of basic economics and American politics, and skin that looks like a soon-to-be retired barber’s leather strip, can all be packaged into an expensive Italian suit and be put in front of a camera. In previous weeks, he explained that the government has never done anything to help economic competition—oh and he used to be a contributor to NBC’s financial network, CNBC.
Today, he defended Mark Sanford, saying there is no reason why this affair should force him to resign and that he’s tired of politicians being held accountable for personal matters that are no one’s business. Instead, he argues politicians should only be held accountable for policy. Contessa Brewer, shocked me today and made sense in response. Saying Sanford is a hypocrite and prides himself on morality and criticizes those who don’t live a good Christian life. More to the point, I would argue people in South Carolina CERTAINLY voted for him because of his moral and upstanding character, he has failed them on this point and clearly no longer represent what they voted for. Brewer went on saying that the state is still investigating whether his rendezvous romps were done at the taxpayer’s expense. More to the point, remember that one time he left the country (no matter the state) and didn’t bother telling anyone? What would have happened if the executive powers of the governor needed to be exercised rapidly and no one could get a hold of him unless there was a cell phone inside a pair of Latin American panties?
No, no Dylan, there’s no reason to impeach this man or demand his resignation. This asshole ended up dismissing Contessa Brewer in a really chauvinistic manner downplaying “hypocrisy” then using it in his next segment as if to say what “real” hypocrisy was. Dylan, just because you think banging a woman who isn’t your wife, risking a state constitutional crisis so you can fly south to get off, and stealing tax money for a booty call are all upstanding behavior for a man’s man doesn’t make it right. Further, defended an adulterer, thief, and wretched excuse for a public official doesn’t make you more of a man, nor does belittling a female contributor to the network, nor does a rugged look that resulted from years of chain smoking, vainly attempting to be a cigar aficionado, and knocking back bourbon with the boys. You’re a pathetic little man who’s entirely goal on TV is to prove he’s a man and has value, despite being unintelligent and without talent.
~Ginger
That said, back to “Morning Meeting with Dylan Ratigan.” Apparently, a receding hairline of salt and pepper rats nest, buckteeth, no talent, a lack of understanding of basic economics and American politics, and skin that looks like a soon-to-be retired barber’s leather strip, can all be packaged into an expensive Italian suit and be put in front of a camera. In previous weeks, he explained that the government has never done anything to help economic competition—oh and he used to be a contributor to NBC’s financial network, CNBC.
Today, he defended Mark Sanford, saying there is no reason why this affair should force him to resign and that he’s tired of politicians being held accountable for personal matters that are no one’s business. Instead, he argues politicians should only be held accountable for policy. Contessa Brewer, shocked me today and made sense in response. Saying Sanford is a hypocrite and prides himself on morality and criticizes those who don’t live a good Christian life. More to the point, I would argue people in South Carolina CERTAINLY voted for him because of his moral and upstanding character, he has failed them on this point and clearly no longer represent what they voted for. Brewer went on saying that the state is still investigating whether his rendezvous romps were done at the taxpayer’s expense. More to the point, remember that one time he left the country (no matter the state) and didn’t bother telling anyone? What would have happened if the executive powers of the governor needed to be exercised rapidly and no one could get a hold of him unless there was a cell phone inside a pair of Latin American panties?
No, no Dylan, there’s no reason to impeach this man or demand his resignation. This asshole ended up dismissing Contessa Brewer in a really chauvinistic manner downplaying “hypocrisy” then using it in his next segment as if to say what “real” hypocrisy was. Dylan, just because you think banging a woman who isn’t your wife, risking a state constitutional crisis so you can fly south to get off, and stealing tax money for a booty call are all upstanding behavior for a man’s man doesn’t make it right. Further, defended an adulterer, thief, and wretched excuse for a public official doesn’t make you more of a man, nor does belittling a female contributor to the network, nor does a rugged look that resulted from years of chain smoking, vainly attempting to be a cigar aficionado, and knocking back bourbon with the boys. You’re a pathetic little man who’s entirely goal on TV is to prove he’s a man and has value, despite being unintelligent and without talent.
~Ginger
Monday, June 29
How To Lose A Memory in 10 Days
For a few reasons, chief among them Michael Jackson's death, the political world has completely lost its memory. From politics to pop culture, no one remembers what happened 10 hours ago, 10 weeks ago or 10 years ago. Who better to remind people of what has slipped from? ME! I apologize in advance for this post, it's been a while and it's longer than you're used to---but enough with Michael Jackson's day care center pickup lines.
Michael Jackson's death made us forget that:
1) Farrah Faucet died.
2) a) Mark Sanford banged some woman in Argentina and charged the state of South Carolina for the trip. Oh, and he forgot to notify any legislative leader, constitutional officer, cabinet secretary, his own wife and children, and his staff that he was traveling out of the state and contact.
b) Mark Sanford's drama, theatrics and teary-eyed airport confessional press conference made us forget that he is a good Christian man steeped in the Bible's teachings who criticized President Clinton for having an affair, demanding his impeachment or resignation.
c) Mark Sanford's boner made him forget that he has a hot wife who built his political career. Oh, he also forgot he has four boys and that his wife is an heiress to an enormous tool fortune. It must have been her company's craft that drew her to one of the South's douchiest tools.
3) Michael Jackson's death also made network news forget the kind of life he led, the kinds of antics in which he engaged, and the type of tastes that pleased his palette.
4) While we're blaming Michael Jackson, newscasters also forgot that there is more than one judge on the 2nd district United States Court of Appeals, and how that body functions.
5) Saint Michael of Preschool Boy's Bathrooms also made our President forget that he ran a campaign in which he gave speeches and made promises.
a)He forgot that he criticized the Bush Administration's use and abuse of signing statements to enhance the power of the presidency.
b)Such an abuse of the presidency like politicizing government agencies and participating in politically-motivated and illegal firings...WHOOPSIE!
c)He also made promises about having an open dialogue and debate about health care as we move down the road toward full coverage for all Americans. I assume you are still reading this as you aren't busy running to the doctor's office because you still don't have insurance, and don't bother planning ahead you won't next year either.
Well, hopefully memories return, unfaded and with all the gaps filled in.
~Ginger
Michael Jackson's death made us forget that:
1) Farrah Faucet died.
2) a) Mark Sanford banged some woman in Argentina and charged the state of South Carolina for the trip. Oh, and he forgot to notify any legislative leader, constitutional officer, cabinet secretary, his own wife and children, and his staff that he was traveling out of the state and contact.
b) Mark Sanford's drama, theatrics and teary-eyed airport confessional press conference made us forget that he is a good Christian man steeped in the Bible's teachings who criticized President Clinton for having an affair, demanding his impeachment or resignation.
c) Mark Sanford's boner made him forget that he has a hot wife who built his political career. Oh, he also forgot he has four boys and that his wife is an heiress to an enormous tool fortune. It must have been her company's craft that drew her to one of the South's douchiest tools.
3) Michael Jackson's death also made network news forget the kind of life he led, the kinds of antics in which he engaged, and the type of tastes that pleased his palette.
4) While we're blaming Michael Jackson, newscasters also forgot that there is more than one judge on the 2nd district United States Court of Appeals, and how that body functions.
5) Saint Michael of Preschool Boy's Bathrooms also made our President forget that he ran a campaign in which he gave speeches and made promises.
a)He forgot that he criticized the Bush Administration's use and abuse of signing statements to enhance the power of the presidency.
b)Such an abuse of the presidency like politicizing government agencies and participating in politically-motivated and illegal firings...WHOOPSIE!
c)He also made promises about having an open dialogue and debate about health care as we move down the road toward full coverage for all Americans. I assume you are still reading this as you aren't busy running to the doctor's office because you still don't have insurance, and don't bother planning ahead you won't next year either.
Well, hopefully memories return, unfaded and with all the gaps filled in.
~Ginger
Wednesday, June 24
Tears of an Asshole
When the news of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's mysterious disappearance first broke, I assumed he was dead and hoped for the worst. When his wife said she had no idea where he was, I assumed she hated him as much as any semi-sane, non-Southern American and was glad to have a reprieve from that bony visage for a few days. When his staff came up with the lame Appalachian trail excuse, I was pretty convinced he was sodomozing a five-year-old boy in Thailand.
Well, it turns out I wasn't all that far off on all points. The Governor of Emo, as I've taken to calling him after that tearful clusterfuck of a press conference, suddenly finds himself in the charred shell of a dead political career. He's lucky his wife isn't the stabbing type - yet. And oh, that whole affair thing. The motivation behind Sanford's flight to his mistress is still fuzzy - was this a final, desperate rendezvous for a man who knew scandal was about to break? Or did a nefarious Romney spy catch him getting dirty on the Argentine coast?
Whatever the story, I loathe you, Mark Sanford, because you have set me up for this socially undesirable schadenfreude. It is pure bliss to see you cry on television...I just wish you were actually sorry for something other than yourself , or for all of the other terrible things you've done. The list of specifics is long, but in general, you tried to fuck your state economy through a lame attempt to reject federal stimulus funds for leverage in 2012, and you have consistently an unabashedly raised the spectre of murderous abortionists and dangerous minorities to subdue real policy discussion and political opposition while in office.
Emo Governor Mark Sanford looked like a lost puppy in the Atlanta airport today, and his swift downfall is the latest example of the fatal flaw in the GOP as we currently know it. When Christianity and morality become a hollow political crutches, it's so, so easy to abandon the principles with which you browbeat your political enemies and distract your less intelligent supporters. Cater to idiots enough, and you run the risk of thinking on their level. Republicans are out-stupiding Democrats, which might be one of the seven signs of the apocalypse.
Going from quarterbacks to band nerds in the span of a second Bush term has been rough on the leading men in the GOP. As they felt their influence and prestige quickly waning, Ensign, Sanford, and likely some still unidentified Republicans dealt with the bad news like any goodly white Christian male: they started sticking their dicks in EVERYTHING. It's a classic coping mechanism, and until politicians realize that ONLY Bill Clinton could get away with it, we're going to see a lot more tears on TV.
Ginger pointed out to me that the GOP is going to scandalize its way to a 2012 Haley Barbour nomination. He may be on to something...and only because Barbour is too fat and old to have sex.
~Slim
***********************************************
UPDATE
***********************************************
Haley Barbour becomes chairman of Republican Governors Association. Yet remains too fat and old to cheat on his wife, unless a manatee finds its way to the statehouse in Jackson.
~Ginger
Well, it turns out I wasn't all that far off on all points. The Governor of Emo, as I've taken to calling him after that tearful clusterfuck of a press conference, suddenly finds himself in the charred shell of a dead political career. He's lucky his wife isn't the stabbing type - yet. And oh, that whole affair thing. The motivation behind Sanford's flight to his mistress is still fuzzy - was this a final, desperate rendezvous for a man who knew scandal was about to break? Or did a nefarious Romney spy catch him getting dirty on the Argentine coast?
Whatever the story, I loathe you, Mark Sanford, because you have set me up for this socially undesirable schadenfreude. It is pure bliss to see you cry on television...I just wish you were actually sorry for something other than yourself , or for all of the other terrible things you've done. The list of specifics is long, but in general, you tried to fuck your state economy through a lame attempt to reject federal stimulus funds for leverage in 2012, and you have consistently an unabashedly raised the spectre of murderous abortionists and dangerous minorities to subdue real policy discussion and political opposition while in office.
Emo Governor Mark Sanford looked like a lost puppy in the Atlanta airport today, and his swift downfall is the latest example of the fatal flaw in the GOP as we currently know it. When Christianity and morality become a hollow political crutches, it's so, so easy to abandon the principles with which you browbeat your political enemies and distract your less intelligent supporters. Cater to idiots enough, and you run the risk of thinking on their level. Republicans are out-stupiding Democrats, which might be one of the seven signs of the apocalypse.
Going from quarterbacks to band nerds in the span of a second Bush term has been rough on the leading men in the GOP. As they felt their influence and prestige quickly waning, Ensign, Sanford, and likely some still unidentified Republicans dealt with the bad news like any goodly white Christian male: they started sticking their dicks in EVERYTHING. It's a classic coping mechanism, and until politicians realize that ONLY Bill Clinton could get away with it, we're going to see a lot more tears on TV.
Ginger pointed out to me that the GOP is going to scandalize its way to a 2012 Haley Barbour nomination. He may be on to something...and only because Barbour is too fat and old to have sex.
~Slim
***********************************************
UPDATE
***********************************************
Haley Barbour becomes chairman of Republican Governors Association. Yet remains too fat and old to cheat on his wife, unless a manatee finds its way to the statehouse in Jackson.
~Ginger
Monday, June 15
Iran Over The Dog
Iranians went to the polls this past weekend to cast ballots in their quadrennial presidential election. The incumbent Ahmadinejad and the challenger Mousavi were in a tight contest for the lead. Expectations were that the two would likely both miss the 50% cut off and enter a runoff election to be held later. Some polls even had the challenger defeating the sitting Iranian president by as much as 15 percentage points.
Instead, Ahmadinejad won by 29% points sparking rioting and protests in Iran decrying electoral fraud and corruption. The Supreme religious ruler in Iran, Ayatollah Khamenei even asked a council to investigate the election results.
There is a right way and a wrong way to go about rigging an election (just ask the Daleys, Bushes, Kennedys, etc.) and there is a wrong way. The right way leads to some disappointment and some raised eyebrows, but perhaps little more. For example, in the 1960 Presidential election, the race between Kennedy and Nixon was tight. In Chicago, boxes and boxes of ballots began coming in favoring Kennedy that the city's political machine magically produced. However, the margin of victory wasn't huge, but Kennedy still "won" Illinois.
To draw an analogy, the Kennedy victory in Illinois was like "accidentally" backing over the dog in the driveway. Sure, you never liked the dog and used to say you wish you never got it, but accidents happen and it is hard to see something so small in the side mirror. The Iranian election is the equivalent to tying the dog up, backing over it three times, calling the family out to the front yard and throwing a live grenade at it, then walking over to your children and saying, "daddy is sorry, it all happened so fast there was nothing I could do, scruffy got loose."
Anyways, in future news, Iran has a coup.
Instead, Ahmadinejad won by 29% points sparking rioting and protests in Iran decrying electoral fraud and corruption. The Supreme religious ruler in Iran, Ayatollah Khamenei even asked a council to investigate the election results.
There is a right way and a wrong way to go about rigging an election (just ask the Daleys, Bushes, Kennedys, etc.) and there is a wrong way. The right way leads to some disappointment and some raised eyebrows, but perhaps little more. For example, in the 1960 Presidential election, the race between Kennedy and Nixon was tight. In Chicago, boxes and boxes of ballots began coming in favoring Kennedy that the city's political machine magically produced. However, the margin of victory wasn't huge, but Kennedy still "won" Illinois.
To draw an analogy, the Kennedy victory in Illinois was like "accidentally" backing over the dog in the driveway. Sure, you never liked the dog and used to say you wish you never got it, but accidents happen and it is hard to see something so small in the side mirror. The Iranian election is the equivalent to tying the dog up, backing over it three times, calling the family out to the front yard and throwing a live grenade at it, then walking over to your children and saying, "daddy is sorry, it all happened so fast there was nothing I could do, scruffy got loose."
Anyways, in future news, Iran has a coup.
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